So you waited too long and all the best autumnal candle scents have been picked clean off the shelves. That’s okay! There are plenty of other candle scents vying for your attention. After all, fall is chock full of wonderful, engaging (and sometimes necessary because other scents have been copyrighted and you’d be surprised how litigious other candle companies can be) smells that have been captured in candle form, such as: Vibrant Autumn Blight Dewy Organic Decay Soft Fallen Apples It’s Pronounced Care-a-mel Hayride Spores Surprise in the Leaf Pile Store-bought Pumpkin Pie Fireside Chat About Taxes Hot Buttered Rum…
Author: Brooke Preston
Brooke Preston
Brooke Preston is a writer and performer of comedy. She borrowed your flat iron and forgot to return it. She is sorry. Follow Brooke on Twitter @bigu.
“Unfortunately, I do have to pass on all of you at this time.” “You are not a size that’s in demand.” “This isn’t the right season.” “You’re perfectly nice, I’m just supersupersuper picky right now.” “You just look a little too well-loved.” “Frankly, you look a little pilled.” “It seems like you’re coming a bit unraveled.” “I’m looking for more current models right now.” “You are covered in dog hair, which I can’t accept for obvious reasons.” “Do feel free to clean things up and try again, though!”
Last year, Matthew McConaughey mounted a career resurgence no one saw coming. They called it the McConnaissance. Little did he know it would set off a chain reaction of more cultural renaissances, each more incredible than the last. The RENTaissance – Everyone’s favorite ’90s musical picks up 20 years later with the suburban sequel no one predicted. The Finaissance – Shark Week repents its sensational ways and gets back to good old-fashioned shark documentaries. The Lenaissance – Against all odds, the B-side to “Steal My Sunshine” is re-issued and tops the Billboard charts. The Beniffance – Affleck comes home…or just…
1. “Oh, no…oh, dear. Let’s maybe try to cover up this bulge with some raffia ribbon.” 2.”Why am I wearing gloves, Todd? Because that pumpkin looks like it needs a Valtrex, that’s why.” 3. “There’s nothing WRONG with them. I never said that. It just wasn’t what I was expecting you to bring home.” 4. “No, Todd, I don’t think it would be funny to write “gourdy hole” under it. Now get ready for church.” 5. “Stop caressing the centerpiece, Todd. Heavenly Father, forgive Todd, amen.” 6. “Hurry up and help me fix this arrangement before…