Author: Bry Berry

SALT LAKE CITY—Patrons of frozen yogurt titan TCBY believe that superstring models are more likely than loop quantum gravity to produce a unified field theory wherein all physical laws converge, a company-run survey suggests. The survey, accessed via QR code at the bottom of customer receipts post-purchase, found that two thirds of respondents somewhat to strongly agree that “superstring theory clearly offers the better framework, despite no current evidence of supersymmetry between bosons and fermions”. Responses to the essay portion revealed a general reluctance to supplant “galaxy formation models reliant on dark matter” with recent Modified Newtonian Dynamics models like…

SOUTH LUANGWA, Zambia—An area giraffe bought out the lion’s share Tuesday in a majority bid comprised of bond issuance and private equity totaling 6.5 million zebra futures. Sources note that the high premium has placed great stress on the giraffe’s capital structure. “The zebras were a huge asset,” one analyst said. “It’s unclear going forward how the giraffe means to generate value with a new savannah full of antelope and a swamp with some hippos in it.” “An acquisition should be about creating synergies, not speculating,” said Adnon Koloff, former general councilmember of the World Trade Organization. “If you want…

SAN FRANCISCO—A local grassroots movement has assembled to address Twitter’s policy of posting a single, one-size-fits-all warning message before allowing a user to opt into viewing a tweet containing explicit images. The message, according to movement members, informs visitors that the content is sensitive, but “without any indication of what it is or if you’ll even like it [sic].” “When you try and decipher what the picture is based on that blurry thumbnail they show, it’s impossible,” said onanist Nigel Ainsley. “It would help if they included a smiley face or frowny face or something, so at least we know…

FREDERICKSBURG, Va.—A lively troupe of Civil War reenactors reported last week to prepare for what some in their fanbase are calling “the next big one”. Hype surrounding a possible reboot of the war between the states has roused the company to make camp at a pickleball court near Chatham as they await further announcements. “Now if only that damned Congress would make up its mind,” commented Andrew McDouglass, a Confederate UX developer from Roanoke. “But that’s Virginians for you, stuck as molasses.” McDouglass is one of eighty men thus far to be called up amid growing speculation over what surprises…

CHICAGO—Archer Heights resident Kyle Tulane has cited “feeling unfulfilled living as a bus” in his decision last month to cease riding his green Huffy bicycle in circles at Pulaski Station. The move comes after a year of intense soul-searching and wraps up twelve years of dedicated effort. “You know how it is when you’re younger, trying on different identities,” Tulane said. “For me, I thought maybe I could make it as a bus.” “I’m sure it sounds silly now in hindsight,” he added. It was on a warm day last July as the now-30-year-old was taking a break at Santiago’s…

MILWAUKEE—A research team at the Wallace A. Reinhardt Medical Institute has begun clinical trials to determine the effectiveness of refusing to acknowledge potential symptoms of heart disease as a possible treatment for heart disease. The trial is being conducted in response to growing testimonial evidence among adults ages 30 to 45 in favor of the practice. “I was sorting mail one day when shooting pains started in my chest and up to my jaw,” said Patrick Lowe, 38, a Manhattan tax attorney, in a recent interview. “But what could I even do? It’s not like I have an emergency room…

PORTLAND—Patrons of last Friday’s comedy open mic at Milton’s Taproom received a surprise when one performer uttered a sentence that informed and punctuated the sentence preceding it, reports now indicate. During his locally famous “Top Five Comebacks For When a Basilisk Mocks You Because You Had Taco Bell Twice in One Day” routine, comedian Auden Park was rounding out the third comeback—(“Tell me, basilisk, does calling me fat ease the hurt inside?”)—when he started to adlib: “Maybe next time I should just have a sandwich. I make good peanut butter sandwiches.” Then he paused and added, “My peanut butter sandwiches are…

CHICAGO—In a courthouse packed this morning with law enforcement and word game enthusiasts alike, an expressionless Alan Cole pleaded his innocence in connection with the gruesome “MadLibs” killing spree that has rocked the Midwest in its wake. “I could not have committed these terrible—um…these terrible—” stammered Cole, squinting to read his prepared statement. “Sweater cows. I could never have committed these terrible sweater cows.” He added stoically, “To anyone out there listening, I just want to say, ‘Sohcahtoa.’” Today’s arraignment marks a new chapter in a sinuous, years’ long saga that saw its first turning point only last January. “Every…

WASHINGTON—New data shows no notable increase in political engagement among housecats for 2023, a Burwell Institute study has concluded. A key moment in the study came during a focus group, when members were shown footage of recent social tumult from around the world. Of the nine participants, six responded by curling into a ball to sleep, while two others rubbed their cheeks against the furniture. One participant knocked a glass of water onto its side. “Any feedback is good feedback,” said research lead Dr. Anne Strauss diplomatically. “The data is on par with what our regression models predicted.” When asked what…

WHEATON, IL—A local student at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Academy was seen striking himself repeatedly in the school cafeteria while a classmate restrained him and urged him several times to stop, according to eyewitnesses. “I don’t see why you don’t just stop,” Kyle Tuxley, a senior, was heard saying to junior Marcus Dorn while Dorn, who doesn’t even drive yet, thrashed under his weight. The underclassman then told Tuxley to “seriously come on” (sic). “Just come on for real,” said Dorn, all stupid. As the struggle continued, the pair rolled into student body vice-president Heather Everett, who fell…