Author: Bry Berry

MILWAUKEE—A research team at the Wallace A. Reinhardt Medical Institute has begun clinical trials to determine the effectiveness of refusing to acknowledge potential symptoms of heart disease as a possible treatment for heart disease. The trial is being conducted in response to growing testimonial evidence among adults ages 30 to 45 in favor of the practice. “I was sorting mail one day when shooting pains started in my chest and up to my jaw,” said Patrick Lowe, 38, a Manhattan tax attorney, in a recent interview. “But what could I even do? It’s not like I have an emergency room…

PORTLAND—Patrons of last Friday’s comedy open mic at Milton’s Taproom received a surprise when one performer uttered a sentence that informed and punctuated the sentence preceding it, reports now indicate. During his locally famous “Top Five Comebacks For When a Basilisk Mocks You Because You Had Taco Bell Twice in One Day” routine, comedian Auden Park was rounding out the third comeback—(“Tell me, basilisk, does calling me fat ease the hurt inside?”)—when he started to adlib: “Maybe next time I should just have a sandwich. I make good peanut butter sandwiches.” Then he paused and added, “My peanut butter sandwiches are…

CHICAGO—In a courthouse packed this morning with law enforcement and word game enthusiasts alike, an expressionless Alan Cole pleaded his innocence in connection with the gruesome “MadLibs” killing spree that has rocked the Midwest in its wake. “I could not have committed these terrible—um…these terrible—” stammered Cole, squinting to read his prepared statement. “Sweater cows. I could never have committed these terrible sweater cows.” He added stoically, “To anyone out there listening, I just want to say, ‘Sohcahtoa.’” Today’s arraignment marks a new chapter in a sinuous, years’ long saga that saw its first turning point only last January. “Every…

WASHINGTON—New data shows no notable increase in political engagement among housecats for 2023, a Burwell Institute study has concluded. A key moment in the study came during a focus group, when members were shown footage of recent social tumult from around the world. Of the nine participants, six responded by curling into a ball to sleep, while two others rubbed their cheeks against the furniture. One participant knocked a glass of water onto its side. “Any feedback is good feedback,” said research lead Dr. Anne Strauss diplomatically. “The data is on par with what our regression models predicted.” When asked what…

WHEATON, IL—A local student at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Academy was seen striking himself repeatedly in the school cafeteria while a classmate restrained him and urged him several times to stop, according to eyewitnesses. “I don’t see why you don’t just stop,” Kyle Tuxley, a senior, was heard saying to junior Marcus Dorn while Dorn, who doesn’t even drive yet, thrashed under his weight. The underclassman then told Tuxley to “seriously come on” (sic). “Just come on for real,” said Dorn, all stupid. As the struggle continued, the pair rolled into student body vice-president Heather Everett, who fell…

KAKARIKO, HY—A ruckus erupted in the west side village this weekend amid rising tensions between supporters of the region’s previous administration and their political foes. According to residents, what began as shouting at a local festival quickly escalated, despite this year’s low turnout. “I can’t go out ‘cause I’m sick,” said one young man, coughing. “People say I caught this cold from the evil air that is coming down from the mountain.” Community members awoke the next morning to find broken pottery strewn about their yards and rows of damaged shrubs. Outcry over disease control policy has met skepticism, viewed…