Author: Bry Berry

WHEATON, IL—A local student at Our Lady of the Sacred Heart Academy was seen striking himself repeatedly in the school cafeteria while a classmate restrained him and urged him several times to stop, according to eyewitnesses. “I don’t see why you don’t just stop,” Kyle Tuxley, a senior, was heard saying to junior Marcus Dorn while Dorn, who doesn’t even drive yet, thrashed under his weight. The underclassman then told Tuxley to “seriously come on” (sic). “Just come on for real,” said Dorn, all stupid. As the struggle continued, the pair rolled into student body vice-president Heather Everett, who fell…

KAKARIKO, HY—A ruckus erupted in the west side village this weekend amid rising tensions between supporters of the region’s previous administration and their political foes. According to residents, what began as shouting at a local festival quickly escalated, despite this year’s low turnout. “I can’t go out ‘cause I’m sick,” said one young man, coughing. “People say I caught this cold from the evil air that is coming down from the mountain.” Community members awoke the next morning to find broken pottery strewn about their yards and rows of damaged shrubs. Outcry over disease control policy has met skepticism, viewed…