Author: Casey Smith

Listen up, maggots: It’s almost time to dress like a 1920s socialite and dry-hump classmates at the Valentine’s Day dance. HOW-EV-ER, it’s expected that you bottom-feeders play it safe by keeping it consensual with positive vibes. Basically what I’m saying here is: IF you can manage all three of these directives, you might get some brush burn on your chest, butt, or groin and go home smelling like drug store perfume. IF you hapless jackasses clean the crap from your ears for two seconds and listen to me, hell might freeze over and a person might waste dozens of seconds…

Before we begin, I must admit that this is a data-driven series with a pro-Martin spin. If anything, I’m upset that there have only been thirty-six indictments and not over 7,575 indictments in the investigation into Russian collusion during the 2016 presidential election. Why? Because I would then have over a million episodes of Martin, thus making me a “Martinaire.” So at this very moment, the Russian collusion case has thirty-three indictments (that’s thirty-six fewer indictments/jailings than Watergate), which is ninety-nine fewer than the current amount of existing Martin episodes (which is 132). Let’s crunch some data and see what…

Let’s face it: The Thai children trapped in the Tham Luang Nang Non cave and smash-hit show Martin have both captured international attention in their own ways. The rescue of these twelve boys and their coach has kept us on the edge of our seats for weeks; Martin could quite possibly be the best sitcom of all time. So since this really is a numbers game, let’s crunch some data and look at how impressive both of these television events really were. 12 Coolio Appearances: Coolio made a guest appearance on one episode of Martin in 1995. Surprisingly enough, Will…

Hey all, I know that summer is barely underway, but if anyone has any whereabouts of a prosthetic arm that goes to about mid-bicep please let me know. Yeah, laugh it up. I’m handicapped, drank too much, and lost my arm on a booze cruise. It could’ve happened to anyone. Unfortunately, it ended up happening to the guy who has managed to lose his prosthetic arm on two separate booze cruises. I’ve provided a sketch of my missing prosthetic, but keep in mind that I lost my former dominant arm and it has been years since I’ve drawn with my left hand.…

If you haven’t already used your entire summer vacation budget to invest in Kevlar school supplies, you’ve come to the right place to find ways to beat the heat this summer with your kids. That’s right, since school shootings have apparently become something we have to accept because nothing has been done to prevent them, we’ve curated a list of  things to do that should hopefully be safer than attending an elementary school, a middle school, a high school, a community college, a state college, a university, or a technical college in the blistering summer sun. Go to an Art…

The holiday season is upon us, and we at Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory are bringing more of the same the yuletide cheer with less pig dick this holiday season. So aside from wondering, “Why is there pig dick in this to begin with?” or “I’d rather have no pig dick in this,” we know what you’re thinking: What’s next for Dillard & Humm Fruitcake Factory’s delicious fruitcakes? Well, we can barely keep our secret under wraps when it comes to winning the war for your appetite, but we want to explain the “straw that broke the pig’s dick” in…

“Without music, life would be a mistake” – Friedrich Nietzsche  Well, it looks like Mr. Nietzsche would have backpedaled on this statement after hearing Nicki Minaj’s latest diss track. That’s right, it was recently discovered that Nicki Minaj finally addressed her beef with the late 1800’s German philosopher in her hit track “Save Me.” Although the parallels might seem a bit confusing, I’m one of the few openly nihilist pop culture contributors who is willing to walk you through this war of intellect, analysis, and alleged butt implants. Here’s a look at how she put this centuries-old hater in his…