Author: Charles Stayton

There’s certainly a temptation for new parents to scorn tiny onesie snaps. I’ve been there. I get it. They’re small. They’re shaped in butt-to-crotch-to-torso-to-(somehow back to)-butt puzzles. They should have been replaced by magnets already. And, of course, everyone hates them. But this is so narrow-minded. Why rob yourself of the mindful practice needed to re-snap entire infant outfits? Don’t you seek the kind of fortitude earned only by skipping a snap and starting all over again? If you can’t build the intrinsic motivation needed to wrangle and re-wrangle your feral mongoose child, how are you ever going to be…

Rejoice – the end of soaking, scrubbing and scraping has finally arrived! Just point, spray and let Dawn’s new powerwashing dish soap do all the work. You can even stop worrying about that bright red, ever-spreading blob monster invading your drain!  I know what you’re thinking… …too good to be true… …there’s no substitute for good ‘ol fashioned elbow grease… …stopping the blob monster is a fool’s errand – anyone who says otherwise is just delaying the inevitable. All perfectly reasonable thoughts to have. But I’m here to unburden you from those worries. Imagine for a second… You’ve just finished…

The gorgeous mannequin from sportswear will accompany me to Marcus’s customer service desk and stoically bear witness to my Disney letterman jacket purchases. Knowing Marcus, he will proffer some ignorant rebuke like, “Again, I’m sorry, but the mannequins are not for sale,” and I will have his co-manager, Donna, deal with this insolence.  When I ask Donna to ring up every item in the seasonal decor section, Marcus will spew some nonsense about “limits” on Kohl’s Cash purchases. He’ll try to claim that “management” won’t let me buy out a store’s inventory and put it out of business. Something like,…

Before writing your next thank-you note, ask yourself if you really want to go through with it. Do you have what it takes? Sure, you put in two weeks of work on that fellowship application and a whole day interviewing, but that’s sunk cost at this point.  Do you have the grit and tenacity to figure out whether you’re “excited about” or “looking forward to” the next step in the application process? Will you be able to use the phrase “next step,” or will you judge yourself for being too forward? What if the word “opportunity” comes up too often?…

Welcome to Earth. Everyone should remain calm. Take cover where you can but the important thing is not to panic. — Jesus God! The sky’s on fire! Let’s issue statements advising people not to panic, to stay home and take cover. — Spraying insecticide wildly, the plane zigzags over the field. — Around us we see other cars packed to the gills as they make their escape from New York. [We] stare at our phones, pissed. Something on TV catches [our] attention. — You scared, man? No. You? No. Hold me. — What are we supposed to do now? Huh?…

You should never have to borrow money to support your monster mashing. If you ever have to switch to the bunny hop or jitterbug to clear your head from monster mashing, you have a monster mashing issue. Monster mashing should always be a choice. You should never actually mash anything while monster mashing, or as a result of monster mashing. If you are ever monster mashing on a weekday in New Jersey, you have overdone it. You should be able to drive by a graveyard without pulling over to do the graveyard smash. Monster mashing to any music except the…