Oh, I see you, but I’m not opening the window. Are you chasing me or do you live there? What’s confusing is why you chose to build your elaborate spider web on the outside of an object that regularly moves 50 mph on a daily basis. Is “location, location, location” not a thing in the world of arthropods? If you had cased the area before settling down, you would have noticed that the inside of this giant human terror box is peaceful and gets much less wind. You must be friends with the spider in my apartment who built his…
Author: Chason Gordon
Chason Gordon
Chason Gordon is a writer whose work has appeared in Slate, Vice, The Globe and Mail, and Paste Magazine, among others. He currently lives in Seattle, but is on a month-to-month lease. You can find less of him on Twitter @chasongordon.
What are you doing? Did you just pull yourself closer to me on my sword after I stabbed you? That is so gross. Oh my God, it’s making a squishy noise when you pull in. Please stop! Who does that? We were having a nice sword battle, and I clearly won by piercing you, and now you’re pulling this shit. I bet you were the kind of kid who destroyed the Monopoly board when you were losing. I just wasn’t raised like that. There is no section in the sword fighting manual that says to pull yourself in after being…