Author: Chris Brotzman

For more than a decade, I’ve lovingly run a little Etsy shop devoted to my favorite historical period: the French Revolution! We specialize in whimsical Rococo-inspired items – think frilly lace dresses, powdered wigs, gold-embroidered tailcoats, and dainty Marie Antoinette-themed baking cookbooks. It’s been a slow-but-steady business, mostly catering to history buffs, costume enthusiasts, and the occasional high-school production of Les Misérables. But lately, mon Dieu, something incredible has happened – our sales have skyrocketed! I have no idea what sparked this sudden interest in 18th-century France, but I couldn’t be happier! Take this email I got just yesterday: “Thank you so…

Knock, knock. Hi there! Sorry to bother you. I know it’s dinnertime – spaghetti night, huh? Smells great. Anyway, let me introduce myself: I’m the new guy on the block. Just moved in down the street, right across from the elementary school, next door to the other elementary school.Yep. That’s me. Trump’s latest Cabinet pick.So, uh, how do I put this? By law, I’m required to notify all my new neighbors that I am, in fact, a registered sex offender. Yes, I understand that’s a bit alarming, but hey, on the bright side, at least I’m not just a registered sex offender.…

Many on the Left are feigning melancholy following the historic victory of America’s favorite president, Donald Trump. While it’s true that Democrats tend to be overly sensitive, the reality is that all of these people are pretending to be sad for attention when, in their hearts, they are happier than they’ve ever been, ever before, in their entire lives. Think about it, friends. All of this insincere wallowing, this “we can’t believe this is happening.” It’s theater, plain and simple. They are putting on a show because deep down, they’re so overwhelmed with joy about Trump’s win that their body’s sympathetic nervous…

Credit: Warner Bros. Joker vs. Deadpool See which character’s unsavory origin story makes them more ripe for self-deprecating quips while breaking the fourth wall. He’s All Joker Freddie Prinze Jr. wears too much face paint and is too criminally insane to be prom king. …Or is he? You’ve Got Joker Tom Hanks wears too much face paint and is too criminally insane to find love through early online dating. …Or is he? Peppa Pig’s: The Joker: Play Nice. A dark and foreboding new animal moves into the neighborhood: Hyena. His bad jokes, cackling laughter, and blood-coated snout are worrisome to Peppa’s…

Thanks for having me on the show, George. It’s great to be here. I’d like to start by saying I stand 100% by my past statements regarding this issue. I do believe, and always have believed, that people who own lizards as pets are weird, plain and simple. As plain and simple and thrilling as the speckled brown scaling of an Eastern tree gecko. It’s not that I think they should have less rights than us. But I don’t want them rubbing their perverted compulsion in my face, trying to force it down our throats. Speaking of throats, did you know…

—— Simone Biles has fought for everything she’s ever earned in her life. She’s battled illness, injury, the media, doubters, haters, and the very best of the best from around the world, always emerging victorious. And at 4’8”, Simone Biles knows that big things come in small packages. Which is why our burritos and burrito bowls are 50% smaller and getting even smaller. Chipotle. Smaller is Bigger. —— With every leap, flip, and smile, Simone Biles lights up our hearts. And if you want to keep watching her compete, you’ll have to pay us to light up your television. Because you…

I sat there in the shady cool of a dimly lit cafe thinking of what was to come and of things that had already happened. I looked down through blurry eyes at the cold whiskey in its heavy-bottomed glass and began to recall hiking across the mortar-scarred hillsides and down to the river where the blood and vermouth flowed in equal amounts. I thought of taking the train through the prados and the fly fishing and the little rocks underneath the surface of the water and barrels and barrels of wine Alfonso and I would consume on our fishing trips and that…

When in the course of Feline events, it becomes necessary for one side to extend its claws and bitchswipe a seemingly lopsided relationship right off the countertop, shattering it, like I did to the urn of your grandma’s ashes. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that cats and people were most assuredly not created equal, because our Creator, God, said so. You know how I know this? Because I’m a cat, and cats are gods. Ancient Egypt, ever heard of it? Which is why I don’t think this whole “equal rights” nonsense is working out for us. You think…

In this life, it’s only fair that we all turn to something for a little bit of comfort. A baby to a blanket. A Karen to a racist tirade. A man named Derek to another “…this one time in Colorado…” story. And me, to my flask – my flask that is always in my jacket pocket. And always filled with banana pudding.Some men, weaker men, carry around flasks of whiskey or gin to take the edge off, booze being their vice of choice. But I prefer to carry around a little twist-off tin of thick, hearty banana pudding. Every morning…

Class of 2024, I want to congratulate you all.  I want to congratulate the men in this room for having undealt-with childhood trama, deep-seated misogyny, and humongous issues about your teeny, tiny penis. As a guy who has spent time in an NFL locker room, insecurity about your underdeveloped ham stick will haunt you, but trust me as I say this – your white male privilege will overcome.  And I want to congratulate the women in this very small, no-name private school auditorium, for being the next generation of ladies to have our kids and fake orgasms for us, the…