Author: Chris Brotzman

Your Favorite President 3:15 It was Friday. Some people call it Good Friday. I call it BEST Friday. A lot of people say, many people say, there’s never been a better Friday until Trump. Such a Friday folks. And King James, many people say King James could never even pass a cognitive test. But I invented Trump Best Friday™ and the world shall rejoice. It’s All About Me 53:4-6 Jesus, such a great guy, such a guy, came up to me with tears in his eyes and said, “Mr. Trump, sir, you are the most admirable business man” and I…

Wow. I can’t believe I won an Oscar. In fact, I can’t even believe I got a job doing acting, as I have zero experience acting, or have any talent for it. But because my family is extremely well-connected, I was gifted this part in this movie that my parents were executive producers of.  I’d like to thank the movie industry for taking a chance on a lazy, private school kid with a rich dad. I’d like to thank the director, my uncle, for doing his brother a solid. And I’d also like to thank my rich dad for bribing…

Yeah hat’s right, I’m the Plus Sign. You heard of me? The fucking Plus Sign? I’m fucking everywhere now. You can’t watch any damn content without clicking on some logo with me in it.You probably hated me when you were a kid because when you saw me it meant you were about to do that lame-ass math bullshit like a nerd. And for that, I am sorry. I didn’t want to be some asshole who made you have to think about numbers real hard like that dickhead Division Symbol or that Fraction Sign fucker. Wow, you’re literally a dash meant…

Source: Warner Bros. Pictures Hi there. This email is from Hollywood HQ, and we sincerely regret to inform you that there will be no new movies and no new actors ever again. We are thrilled to release the updated Wonka film starring Timothée Chalamet and cannot wait for you to be very, extremely, mildly, sort of, kind of entertained by it. Even if you aren’t, we don’t care. See, here at Hollywood, we are lazy. Extremely lazy. Extremely rich and overpaid. But also extremely lazy. So we won’t be wasting time that could be spent coming up with rich, unique, and fun…

Yeah, you looked at my left hand, right? Yep. I got one of them overly thick black gunmetal wedding bands. That’s how us tough guys do it. I want you to know how insecure I am and how aggressively I verbally abuse my wife at the same time.   It won’t shock you to look up from that exact same hand, which is holding a crushed empty tallboy of Coors Heavy, and see an Alabama football shirt and then keep looking up to see a pair of the Oakley-ist of Oakleys you’ve ever seen. ROLL DAMN TIDE. But yeah, I…

Are you sick and tired of being smart? Does knowing what’s going on in the world and understanding it depress you? Do you ever find yourself jealous of the happiness of dumb-dumb idiot people? Is the answer to all of these rhetorical questions yes? Mmmhmmm. We thought you’d say yes. Because if you’re reading this, that means you can read. Which means you aren’t dumb. Which means you’re most likely very sad. That’s why we invented Dumb-Dumb Pills. So you can now be as happy as stupid people are. Just take one every morning. And another in the evening, eventually…

Hello, idiots. You are probably sitting there, on your picked-up-off-the-street free couch, thinking, “Oh these politicians that I voted for are going to make my life better.” Wrong. We are going to take your tax dollars and use that money to pay ourselves. Well, we will also take your tax dollars to make some extremely unnecessary and incredibly expensive fighter jets and bombs to kill imaginary enemies. But Boeing gonna Boeing, am I right? We know you’re sick, sad, hungry, tired, and impoverished.But have you heard about the AR-15? You can wipe out a whole classroom of kindergarteners in like,…

“Former President Donald Trump will participate in a CNN presidential town hall next week in New Hampshire, the network announced Monday.” – CNN, 5/1/23 The other day, some classmates and I were playing in the school parking lot, behind the gymnasium. We’d snuck out during lunch period, and I followed along because I wanted to be cool. I’d heard that Brenda had stolen a cigarette from her dead aunt’s bedroom, and I thought it would be rather un-loser of me to hang out with the bad kids for a change. But when we got back there, there was no cigarette.…

E. E. Cummings maggie and millie and mollie and mayordered papa john’s (by the bowl one day). maggie marveled at whatever this shit wasmillie tried some, (well they all tried it, once) mollie had herself some great wet toots.mae actually puked and then got the poops. so wherever it is (like a you or a me)don’t get this stuff, (even if it’s free) Mary Oliver The wild geese fly high in the crisp blue airLooking down at earth whileI shoveled pizza into my mouthWith a spoon. The molten hot over-salted goop burns my mouth – The way the fire of…

As a rich and famous professional golfer, I don’t have it easy like other professional athletes. I actually have to work hard at my sport. I wake up early every day, at the crack of noon, drive to an exclusive private country club, lazily practice at a hobby for a few hours, have a vodka soda or two, and then go home to a meager wagyu steak dinner prepared by my personal chef. Sure, it’s a living, but it’s not glamorous.  Don’t get me wrong, I realize that joining this new LIV Golf tour started by Mohammed Bin Salman, the…