Author: Chris Brotzman

After playing “Wellerman” on repeat for the last three weeks, here are some Irish sea shanties my dog has written based on that tune, which must be stuck in his head, too. Soon may the postal man come, So I can bark bark BARK at him. Hey who the hell’s at the door? Oh I see him every day. Soon may we go on a walk ‘Cause I’ve been holding it all night long. I’m licking your face so you wake up, Never mind I already pee’d.  Soon may the kibble scoop come To bring my nom nom nom nom…

I know I haven’t always been perfect. Over the last four years, I’ve condoned horrible anti-American acts, displayed wildly egregious hypocrisy with zero shame, and not only sowed the seeds of division, but watered them daily, like a very diligent horticulturist.  However, if it’s quite okay with you, I’d only like to be remembered for this moment – this one singular time I’ve done even the bare minimum, and called an objectively bad thing a “bad thing.” I believe I deserve heaps of credit for doing this. It takes tremendous amounts of courage to say something as bold as “getting…

First and foremost, let me apologize for the plethora of mutilated pitbulls and miniature corgis and their families. It’s downright awful that these helpless puppies were underfed, malnourished, and abused from birth up until the day they were sent into a 6’x6′ ring to fight to the death. It’s a total travesty and completely un-American way to treat dogs.  For the life of me, I could not have imagined something so horrific happening right here, in the basement of my house, where I always schedule and host these barbaric fights. I’m just as disgusted as you guys. The carnage, the…

Before we can  Heal and let go, We must remember There’s always Next season I was exhausted by the energy It took to hate myself Until I realized that Was actually the energy It took to seethe at The offensive coordinator.  If you measure The length of Your heartache It will equal The distance Between That goddamn receiver And an easy first down Healing begins with acceptance And culminates with Smashing your television True power Is setting your heart And that jersey On fucking fire In the driveway Looking inside ourselves Can be frightening As we change And our worlds…

Do you feel feverish or hot? (Y/N) Are you sitting next to a fireplace wearing a sweater, flannel pants, a scarf, wool socks, and simultaneously roasting chestnuts? (Y/N) Do you have the chills? (Y/N) Are you watching Kevin give that Central Park pidgeon lady her turtle dove and just getting, like, all the goosebumps? (Y/N) Do you have a sore throat? (Y/N) Have you spent the last three weeks belting out Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” at the top of your lungs? (Y/N) Are you feeling winded or having shortness of breath? (Y/N) Were you just…

Credit: Gage Skidmore Gather ’round, and let me tell you the story of the first Thanksgiving. But before I do that, can you believe these Democrats trying to steal this election with massive international voter fraud? Totally corrupt! As I was saying… the story of the first Thanksgiving. It started when a group of Pilgrims, who escaped from their dangerous homeland, not unlike the Antifa-crazed hell cities Leftists, and sailed across the ocean on a very scary voyage. Not as scary as what I definitely found on Hunter Biden’s laptop, which, let me tell you, and the media won’t report…

Hey guys,  Have you been seeing this literal fascist coup happening right before our eyes!? It’s totes insane, right? But just because the central tenet of Western democracy is being balled up like a napkin Mitch McConnell just wet-coughed into doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun. Tonight, we’re gonna party like it’s 1939! First, what to wear: Nothing too bright. Remember, we’re celebrating the encroaching totalitarian state Orwell warned us about! So keep it austere, but a little snazzy can’t hurt. Think the Third Reich meets David from Schitt’s Creek. And if you really want to get in…

A puppy whose best friend is a slumbering monkey. Ted Cruz sobbing into his MAGA pillowcase. Steve Kornacki finally getting some goddamn much-deserved rest. Two penguins taking a delightful stroll in the woods. Preferably they have silly names, like Nacho and Goat? Donald Trump, Jr. shitting his pants while rage-tweeting about conspiracy theories, and then Kimberly Guilfoyle having to clean him up. An incredibly burly and objectively tough-as-nails-looking man who nurses an orphan squirrel back to health. To this day, they stay in contact and maintain a healthy friendship. Jared Kushner applying for a job at Enterprise Rent-A-Car and not…

Credit: Mike Morbeck Look, I’m not a super political guy. For the most part, I get my politics from my parents, who both seem pretty middle-of-the-road. I’d rather talk about cheat codes for Call of Duty than the national benefits of Medicare for All. I haven’t been paying a ton of attention this election cycle because during quarantine, I’ve spent almost ninety percent of my time watching Barstool Sports pizza reviews. The other ten percent has been seeing if I could find any of my Bumble matches on OnlyFans (spoiler alert: nope). But to be honest, up until now, I…

Dianne Feinstein praises Lindsey Graham: “I just want to thank you. This has been one of the best set of hearings that I’ve participated in,” she tells him. “Thank you so much for your leadership.” Looking around at this cracked, desolate wasteland that once flourished with life and beauty, I find myself reflecting on a lot. And the thing that’s most pressing is, to me, even more so than recovering from all this senseless devastation, is that we be very nice to the murderous king and his pack of hyenas that have taken over and caused this entire nightmare. I…