Author: Chris Brotzman

My fellow Ameicans, I know we are in the midst of very uncertain and challenging times. There are over forty million people unemployed and over 5.4 million have lost their health insurance in the middle of a still-raging pandemic. And as the First Daughter of the United States, I stand here, telling each and every one of you… to get the fuck over it. Yes, today, we are proud to launch the #GetTheFuckOverIt campaign to help all of the Americans who are out of work and/or sick to, well, basically, I don’t know, not be so bitter about it? Maybe…

1. I am the Lord thy God! Thou shalt worship no God other before me, not even the Real Housewives ladies or your own reflection in the mirror. 2. Thou shalt feel a sense of entitlement in, like, literally every single situation you can imagine. 3. Thou shalt always play the victim, despite being the aggressor. 4. Thou shalt always “demand to speak with the manager!” 5. Thou shalt always cross thine arms and cock thy head when playing the victim. Also, thy could tap thy foot or wag thy finger. Those worketh, too. 6. Thou shalt not kill, but…

Hell yeah. July 4th. My favorite time of the year. I’m ready to throw on my American flag dude thong, my “I Just Drank a 1776-pack” tank top, and shave my beard into some baller mutton chops à la Martin Van Buren. I’m throwing my annual Fourth of July rager, and this year, not a single fucking person is invited!  First of all, there’s going to be a live band. Sike! What do I look like? The Lt. Governor of Texas? My party is a thoughtful party and at that kind of party the band members stay home, keeping themselves…

Hello, 911?!?! Hi, yes, oh my God. This is terrible. My grandpa just fell over. He’s an 85-year-old white male. I’m worried he might be Antifa! Yes, he appears to be in pain. Sure, it could be a real injury! But, I’ve heard that Antifas use crazy tricks like falling over and splitting their head open on the sidewalk to trick people into thinking they are actually injured, but really they are just trying to incite violence against the police.  Well, yes, he does very much appear to be in very real, very intense pain.  I know, but this could be…

Hey there, sports bettors! We know that in these times without sports, it’s hard to find ways to mismanage your daughter’s 529 plan. But here in the Las Vegas betting houses, we’ve realized there’s still a whole bunch of crazy shit going on in the world, and that those outcomes might be of some interest to you. So with no further ado, here are this week’s odds for sports betting, on culture. 1-95 Trump tells an egregious lie, on camera. 1-96 Trump tells an egregious lie, on camera, that could get Americans killed. 1-1 Trump tells an egregious lie, on camera,…

Credit: Gage Skidmore Look, I like Elizabeth Warren. I like her a lot. Her policies might be a little left-leaning for me, but she is witty, brave, and kind. Her fearless attitude is an inspiration. In fact, it’s a little too inspirational. Because ever since she announced her candidacy, my five-year-old daughter won’t stop believing she has the opportunity to be whatever she wants to be when she grows up – even president. And frankly, it’s getting kind of annoying. Yes, obviously my daughter means the world to mean. She is smart, funny, kind, caring, courageous – just like her…

Hey, ya jerks. Remember me? Edward Foster, the town germaphobe? Or as you all used to call me, “Crazy Eddie.” You’d also call me “Eddie the Freak.” But mostly you just called me “weird as fuck.” You’d all snicker when I’d go to the pharmacy and buy all the hand sanitizer they had. You’d sneer when I’d take a load home in my pickup truck. And now, all you’re doing is sneezing. That, and scrambling around town desperately hoping the next Walgreens or CVS you hurry into the will have even a single tube of hand sanitizer left. And every…

Source Here at Kay Jewelers, we know a lot about the inner workings, complexities, and nuances of intimate relationships. You can see it front and center, right here in our advertising, which portrays the world exactly how it is: a world in which every man only wants to get laid, and every woman only wants a shiny trinket. Take Stan, here, for example. Look at Stan. He is middle management at a tax accounting firm. He wears sweaters. It is indiscernible whether he has blond or brown hair. On the other hand, it is extremely discernible that his skin is…

Credit: Gage Skidmore “I think coronavirus will accelerate the return of jobs to North America.” – Wilbur Ross on Fox News First, let me start by saying that this rapidly mutating, antibiotic-immune strain of the bubonic plague is a global tragedy. Our hearts go out to all of those suffering, especially the ones choking to death on the pus-like fluid filling their lungs. That said, the re-emergence of this super virus will finally bring jobs back to where they belong: the 1350’s. For too long we have watched our jobs shipped into the future. The pressure of the global economy…

Part-time assistant golf pro Jimmy Denton carried pictures of his ex-girlfriend on his cellphone. He also carried a bump stock-fitted AR-15, 8.1 pounds fully loaded with its comically unnecessary sixty-round drum magazine. He wasn’t in the military and never risked his own life for the good of his country. But he liked pretending, so he carried the rapid-fire death machine anyway. He carried it past statues and monuments of other war veterans, people who’d actually served. He carried it up to the capitol where those “assholes” sat, voting on laws that might actually save lives. “Bunch of assholes,” Jimmy Denton called…