Author: Chris Brotzman

Dear Self, Please accept this letter as a formal notification that I’m resigning from my position as Founder/Owner/CEO/CFO/Wearer of Lots of Hats/Only Employee at Startup I Started. My last day will be two weeks from today. Or right now. Or whenever I  just decide to delete that Squarespace site that’s seen zero foot traffic. It really doesn’t matter. Thank you so much for the opportunities for professional development these past few weeks, sleepless nights, and weekends. I’ve greatly enjoyed learning how to lead a team of one down a massively ill-advised path toward a fate of certain failure. I’ve enjoyed…

Thing-Of-Beauty Snuffer-Outer Dwindling Population Reducer Endangered Species Put-a-Bullet-in-the-Jugular Doer Pristine Wild Herd Extermination Seeker Non-Threatening Organism Search-and-Destroyer Gentle-Hooved Mammal From-a-Safe-Distance Sniper Oblivious Horned Quadruped Slaughterer Majestic Animal Euthanization Connoisseur Gorgeous Beast Arterial Spray Enthusiast Wonder-of-God’s-Creation Blood Luster Sacredness of Life Non-Empathizer Motherless Baby Elephant Aficionado Helpless Loving Animal’s Arterial Spray Viewer Merely-the-Thought-of-Death-Gets-Me-Hard Masturbater Rich White Male Asshole Dave, Probably. Or Jason… or Don, Jr. Murdering Loser

Put ‘er there, pal. Damn glad to meet you. You might recognize me from being a news host on television. And now that we’ve exchanged pleasantries and followed the age-old custom of shaking one another’s hand, it’s probably a good time to let you know something: I don’t believe that germs are a real thing and I haven’t washed my hands for ten years. You’re probably wondering a few things at this moment. Like, how could a grown adult in the year 2019 not believe in plain, simple, very established science? Well, for starters it’s in my Fox News contract.…

Unless you live under a glacier, you know the polar vortex is engulfing the Midwest in a record-setting deep freeze that hasn’t been seen in generations. But that doesn’t mean all the fun needs to be put on ice! There’s plenty to do inside, so here’s how to make the most of it: Work In Your Underwear Most days, you’re just another loser in middle management. But today, for fear of a lawsuit should you freeze to death on your commute, your company is letting you work from home. That means your office is a sofa and your suit…

By now, I’m sure most of you have heard of me, the record-setting Instagram Egg that overthrew Kylie Jenner’s baby for the most-liked Instagram post of all time. In regards to my newfound fame, let me make something perfectly clear: I absolutely did NOT ask for this. I did not fucking want to be an “influencer.” I have never wanted to be mentioned in the same breath as a Kardashian. I take one goddamned selfie and BOOM – it’s like the Internet snapped its fingers and suddenly I’m getting compared to the “Cash Me Outside” girl. Um, hello, I’m an unfertilized chicken…

Seventeenth century philosopher Rene Descartes was on to something when he noticed that merely having thoughts was enough to verify one’s own existence. That said, he was dead wrong. What he failed to consider was that unless you’re having those thoughts while crushing a ninety-minute Peloton group live ride, those thoughts are meaningless bullshit. Lazily floating through life isn’t “existence.” Existing is squeezing oneself head to toe in overpriced spandex, pedaling furiously to pre-recorded workout classes while alone in your living room, and then acting smug as fuck to everyone at the grocery store whose cheeks are not flush with…

For generations, it’s been a Christmas tradition to put up a nativity scene, celebrating the long journey Mary and Joseph made to Bethlehem where she gave birth to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, the Son of God #2. (God #1 is still money!) However, the story of Christmas, with its insane notion of empathy toward weary travelers, is no longer in line with GOP policy. Therefore, we’ve updated the nativity so that the racism and xenophobia of Republicans falls perfectly in line with the Bible.   They are as follows: The nativity no longer takes place in a barn,…

Season’s greetings and happy holidays from our family to yours! And by “yours,” we mean a family that’s less wealthy and far less attractive. As the family from a luxury car brand’s holiday commercial, it’s our job each year to remind you of all the things you desperately yearn for, but will ultimately fail to achieve. We are the filmic manifestations of all your inadequacies. Are you a good parent? Are you a good lover to your partner? Do you make enough money to be considered well-to-do by your peers? When the weather outside is frightful, nothing makes our hearts…

Great advertising, like all great artwork, is at its core about communication, about conveying a message from artist to viewer in hopes the viewer sees the world or themselves in a new way. And here at Data-Driven Digital Agency, we use the cloud, machine-learning AIs, and big data to find insights that make our communication more effective than any dumb, intuitive artist could ever hope to do. And to prove that, we’ve re-invented these old “masterpieces” to make them fit better in today’s digital age. The Persistence of Memory by Salvador Dali Though Dali was correct in stating that all…

I am a female lobster from the state of Maine. And as a female lobster, I am vehemently opposed to Supreme Court judicial nominee Brett Kavanaugh. It is widely known that he will likely vote to overturn Roe v. Wade and that he believes a sitting president cannot be indicted. He also went to private school, so you know his rich ass eats a ton of lobster. So again, screw Brett Kavanaugh. More to the point. Susan Collins, female Senator from Maine, plans to vote “yes” on Judge Kavanaugh. Why a female would do this to her fellow females is beyond…