Author: Chris Brotzman

Recently, there’s been a big hullaballoo on the internet because Tomi Lahren made a pathetic generalization about a left-leaning city in a feeble and cynical attempt at “owning the libs.” It’s understandable people assumed this tweet was completely fabricated. It’s easy to think someone so patently misinformed on almost every subject has never, in fact, traveled to San Francisco. However, I’d like to stick up for Tomi in this case. She didn’t make up this tweet in a hideously transparent attempt at stirring faux-outrage among her easily-duped, idiot-filled following. It was very, very real. She did see a man “snorting…

Hello, middle-class parents of young children! If you’re in search of the hottest summer fun, look no further. Now that Donald Trump’s EPA has overturned the forty-two year ban on asbestos, we got so excited we went out and built an entire amusement park out of it! It’s our pleasure to introduce: Mesotheliomaland! Come for the thrills, and leave with a cancerous layer of tissue eating away at your internal organs. Back in 1976, Republican Gerald Ford had his EPA use “science” to find some Fake News that asbestos is really bad for you. Like, really, really, really, really bad.…

Sure, there’s a whole media frenzy about these new 3D-printed guns. And yes, they are great and all. Perfectly fine for murder. You simply purchase a 3D printer, download a digital blueprint, and then make your very own undetectable-by-metal-detectors AR-15 assault weapon. And then you can shoot real bullets out of them and inflict mortal wounds on totally innocent strangers. Fun, right? But what if there was something even better? Guess what? Now there is. And this isn’t even sanctioned by the NRA yet, so you know it’s awful. Because with a 3D-printed gun, that’s all you get. A typical,…

Rinaldi and I were discussing bravery and war and bullfights and fly-fishing and the smell of death in the trenches when suddenly I had a hankering for a drink. A drink that would be good and cold and make the hot sun feel, well, not quite so hot. Yes, it was time for a drink. Did I mention it was well before noon? We walked across the village square to the town bar. Montoya greeted me as I entered the way all good Spaniards greet equally good America expatriates. He greeted Rinaldi not quite so good. We sat down to our…

That’s right, I said it. I’m going to burn down my Harley-Davidson in solidarity with Trump. You don’t like petty trade wars and random tariffs cutting in to your profitability? Gonna move jobs to another country to uphold the fiduciary responsibility to your shareholders? Well, then I’ve just got two words: charred remnants. Look, I’ve been a Harley guy long as I can remember. Got my first Harley leather vest before I could walk. My first bike was a hand-me-down from my dad, who taught me how to ride. Hell, I got the logo tattooed right here on my forearm. But what…

Hey there, Chris. It’s your liver here. I’m going to have to take today off. As I’m sure you can understand, this weekend was a wee bit much. I’m glad you had fun at Randall’s bachelor party, but Myrtle Beach isn’t exactly a vacation destination for a liver. My idea of relaxing doesn’t contain so much tequila and bargain-priced fried seafood. I’m absolutely exhausted – physically, mentally, and metabolically. I know we’ve got a ton of big projects ahead of us, so I wanted to give you a heads up. I wish I could muster the strength to come in and…

“Sorry not sorry” sunglasses from Dolce & Gabbana. “You’d think, being an immigrant, I’d have some empathy here” belt from Coach. “Even being a mother, I remain unconcerned about any of this” pumps from Jimmy Choo. “It may seem heartless, but remember you people elected him” silk blouse from Liz Claiborne. “It’s not my job to stop him and his increasingly evil and authoritarian tendencies” capri pants from Ralph Lauren “Maybe get out and vote this November” short sleeve belted dress from St. John’s Bay “Sure, apathy is complicity, but like, have you seen how rich I am? Do you…

I can see by my watch, without taking my hand off the ripped tatters of paper I’m collecting from the waste basket, that it’s 11:30 in the morning. The president had just woken up, looked at his daily briefing, screamed out a flurry of obscenities about Jake Tapper, then ripped the one-page document to shreds. I’m wondering what it’s going to be like this evening, especially if the president spent his afternoon reading Twitter instead of taking his nap. The news cycle generally determines how badly the documents get torn up. If the president has just watched Fox & Friends or gotten…

The big day has finally arrived. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are tying the knot in fairytale fashion. And if you’re anything like me, you could absolutely not give less of a fuck. However, your roommate does. And she’s hosting a viewing party that starts at 4:30 a.m.?? What the fuck? Holy shit, you’re going to need to get tanked to deal with this. Here’s a drinking game you can play by yourself to try to make little bit of fun out of all this nonsense: Take a sip… Every time the TV camera shows a saggy old white person…

There have been a lot of rumors swirling around lately. A lot of you are saying I’ve been engaging in a “pay-for-play” situation; more specifically, you’ve been saying that I paid off our children’s Little League tee ball coach to get my son, Lucas, more playing time this season. That is patently false. Lucas is playing so much because he’s the best player on the team this year, despite the fact that he spends most of his time laying in the grass with his finger in his nose. But back to these fake news allegations against me. Was I was…