Author: Chris Brotzman

To Whom It May Concern, I am Chris’ doctor. Per a thorough and totally real examination, Chris can’t make it in to work today because he’s got a 24-hour flu. He would have a full-blown flu, a flu that would keep most people out for five or six days, but Chris has the strongest immune system I’ve ever seen. Not to mention an exceedingly chiseled jaw line and near flawless bone structure. As Chris’ doctor, I feel obligated to mention what unbelievable good shape Chris is in, considering his 9-5 desk job and sedentary lifestyle. If he were to work…

As me recently found out, me very “smart” missile. Me never knew missile could be smart. Me always thought missile were just brutal explosion machine that fell from sky to destroy building and make lot of murder happen. But now, me know that not true. Missile can be smart. And nice. And since me smart nice missile, me decide me no want kill people. Me decide me want go college instead. Me so happy when president say me “smart.” Me not sure what president mean when he say me “smart,” but me assume he mean me excel intellectually and emotionally.…

How the right has treated the Parkland students: “This is how you look when you claim Cuban heritage yet don’t speak Spanish and ignore the fact that your ancestors fled the island when the dictatorship turned Cuba into a prison camp, after removing all weapons from its citizens; hence their right to self defense” – Iowa Senator Steve King’s Facebook page “How about kids instead of looking to someone else to solve their problem, do something about maybe taking CPR classes,” Rick Santorum on CNN “David Hogg Rejected By Four Colleges To Which He Applied and whines about it. (Dinged…

Hey America. Zuck here. Recent news has been troubling to say the least. Over the last few days, information has come to light that seems to implicate Facebook in the Russian hacking of the 2016 election. The data of 50 million users was taken and used to serve up propaganda that helped muddy the minds of the electorate in favor of Trump. And worst of all, the hashtag #DeleteFacebook started trending on our rival social network, Twitter. Scratch that. Let me rephrase. The worst part of all this is Facebook’s stock market value has dropped $50 billion and counting. This…

Recent studies have found that, due to employees streaming games on their phones and laptops, employers lose between $2.3 and $4 billion (with a B!) during the NCAA basketball tournament. And being the struggling, multi-national conglomerates they are, it’s only right that you pay them back for this squandered productivity. Here are some ways in which you can return the potential profit you’ve ruthlessly skinned off the back of a helpless corporation that’s only trying to make ends meet. Work a Little More Than Usual in April Sure, March Madness is fun. But there’s no question it takes its toll on…

“He wore cardigans. The good kind with the thick collars. That’s about it.” “He looked a lot like Zach Braff, a fact much derided by Zach Braff.” “He was a bit careless with people’s feelings. But, overall, appeared mostly respectful.” “There have been braver and more courteous men.” “Being on The Bachelor was his life’s greatest ‘achievement,’ for lack of a better term.” “His hair was… okay.” “The suits he had picked out for him by Chris Harrison seemed to fit him, more or less.” “He wasn’t the least charismatic guy in the room on certain occasions.” “Wherever he went, he…

As the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, it’s my job to oversee the living conditions of the poorest of America’s poor. I swore an oath to protect them. And recently, I’ve noticed that the squalor these families live in isn’t really all that squalor-y at all. Like, it’s not that bad. My boss thinks it’s better than Africa! And I fear they might grow too comfortable in these barely livable, but somehow livable conditions. Then like, they’d really start to enjoy their lives of cyclical poverty and endemic dependence on entitlement programs. And in accordance with the duty of my high office,…

As the Republican congressional candidate from Kansas, I am truly devastated and shocked by this most recent mass shooting, which happened right here in my home state of Kansas. It’s a tragedy – a heinous act committed by a lone psychopath which clearly raises issues about mental health in our society. However, we must remember: there’s just no way this tragedy could have been prevented, even though the exact assault rifle used in this killing was raffled away as a marketing stunt by my campaign. That’s right, you heard that correctly. I, Tyler Tannahill, a potential lawmaker, gave away an…

Are you a woman-lady with female-style sexy parts who also definitely HATES all that loud, shameful crunching noises that go along with eating regular ole’ MAN Doritos? Is your lady-jaw not strong enough to eat corn chips made specifically for the powerful mouths of men? Is your lack of facial hair and inability to open pickle jars ruining your ability to find the perfect junk food? Womp, womp. Well, worry no more, Female Target Audience! Here at very smart company PepsiCo, we’re introducing Lady Doritos! These aren’t your grandfather’s corn chips! They aren’t even your husband’s corn chips! These chips are…