No one tells you how hard being a parent is. How quickly time passes, how violent your child inevitably becomes. Your sweet, sweet child. You think they’ll eventually be like you, and probably they will, but by then you will have changed as well. In the meantime, you have to put up with the growing pains. The murder, the mutiny, the exorcisms, the cannibalism, drinking all the fucking Diet Coke. I think my son Jimmy is trying to lose weight. On that assumption, I told him if he wants to reduce his caloric intake, he should start by consuming less…
Author: Dakota James
Dakota James
Dakota James is a fiction and humor writer living in New York City. His writing has appeared in various publications including The Saturday Evening Post, Fiction on the Web, and Little Old Lady Comedy. In his spare time, Dakota sings too much.
Kids. One minute you’re dressing them in a Power Rangers costume, the next you’re dressing their wounds suffered at the hands of renowned mixed martial artist Mark Zuckerberg. Where does the time go? On a similar note – when did everyone start watching UFC? The way everyone knew this Mark Zuckerberg, you would’ve thought he was some big Hollywood actor. I’m partly to blame. I didn’t think my son would lose. Call it a father’s pride. But also call it betting on the boy’s thirst for blood. Additionally, I guess I’m more out of touch than I realized. Back in…
Good news: After absolutely none of you came to the haunted hayride last year, the anonymous group of Reddit investors that bought us out ended up selling it back to me. Funny enough, they actually paid me to take it back! Less good news: my cannibalistic son Jimmy is now a teenager, and has returned to the farm. I can say with confidence that his more problematic tendencies have not improved. And on that note, the changes to the haunted hayride this year are as follows: 1. Since amusing themselves by distributing highly sensitive information to the world’s most destructive…
They say a man shouldn’t have to liquidate his own son, but I assure you all that it wasn’t personal. The new owners of the farm, Dikfart, made me do it. Also, you might remember from last year that Jimmy was, well, eating people alive. Not good for business. But he’ll be alright! The people who purchased him were fully aware of his condition. Paid top dollar, too. Said something about “needing a good pet to keep the others in line.” I don’t know about the pet part, but admittedly Jimmy is more beast than man at this point, and…
I’ll cut right to the chase since I can hear my son Jimmy getting hungry. I know some of y’all don’t keep up with the news but this year has been its own haunted hayride. Among other things, there’s a plague going around that’s caused my beautiful son Jimmy to crave the warm flesh of man. Jimmy was always my best helping hand around the farm, but on account of the other farmhands having the misfortune of being feasted upon, he’s now my only helping hand. I can’t do the haunted hayride by myself so asking Jimmy to stay out…
My kids are going to be raised differently than other kids. Unlike most kids these days, my kids are going to play outside. My kids won’t spend all their time inside playing video games. If my kids want to race, they’ll have to do it on bikes in the street, like my first love Brett used to, swerving in and out of traffic during rush hour, narrowly avoiding death’s cold embrace. Just like we did in the good ol’ days. My kids won’t be getting a cell phone, either. Kids these days are always staring at screens. It’s not good…
I’m gonna cut right to it because the wolves are hungry and I gotta feed ‘em. Before y’all freak out (again), the wolves will not be set loose on the farm during the haunted hayride this year. The reason for that? Y’all bitched. But also, the unfortunate truth is wolves don’t necessarily make a place “haunted.” They just make it sorta unsafe. So in the name of doing Halloween proper, and because of some you have threatened another lawsuit, we’ve decided to make some changes to Aunt Lanson’s Haunted Halloween Hayride. Changes are as follows: 1. No wolves on the…
As a seahorse, I didn’t really have to be reminded that there are plenty of fish in the sea. What were you trying to do, Pauly? Cheer me up? Maybe you weren’t trying to show me a silver lining – maybe what you were saying is there are way too many fish in the sea. After all, just because there’s a bunch of critters floating around in the Big Blue doesn’t mean a wave of loneliness can’t carry you away every now and then. It’s not like you don’t sometimes think, There are forty trillion fish in the ocean and…
My dad used to say they were going to steal our jobs. I didn’t know if this was true, but I took his word for it, and decided to get as many as I could. Just let them try and force me into unemployment, I thought. Even if they steal one or two of my jobs, I’ll have plenty more where that came from. Which has become a problem. Having nine jobs is way harder than I expected. For one, I’m working 100+ hours a week. And since one of my jobs is writing a weekly column for the local…
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