IT HAS COME TO OUR ATTENTION THAT SOME EMPLOYEES ARE NOT WASHING THEIR HANDS AFTER USING THE BATHROOM THE SIGN IN THE BATHROOM IS THERE FOR A REASON WE ALL HAVE TO MAKE SURE THE BLOOD IS OFF OUR HANDS BEFORE RETURNING TO WORK WORKING IN THE WHITE HOUSE DOES NOT MAKE YOU AN EXCEPTION SOME OF YOU ARE VERY OBVIOUS – YOU WALK INTO THE BATHROOM WITH THE BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT DRIPPING FROM YOUR FINGERTIPS AND WALK OUT OF IT NO DIFFERENT FIRST OFF: GROSS SECOND OFF: WE DON’T NEED THE ENTIRE COUNTRY KNOWING JUST HOW MUCH BLOOD WE HAVE…
Author: Dakota James
Dakota James
Dakota James is a fiction and humor writer living in New York City. His writing has appeared in various publications including The Saturday Evening Post, Fiction on the Web, and Little Old Lady Comedy. In his spare time, Dakota sings too much.
The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Everyone knows this. What they don’t tell you is how to stop a good guy with a gun. However, the answer is quite simple: you promote him to senior management. He then supervises other good guys with guns, and does none of the field work himself. Determining if a gun should be considered bad can be tricky, but most people agree on whether or not a gun is good. The experience of being shot by a good gun is a sensation of…
Well, we did it. We got Trump out of office. One of the darkest moments in our nation’s history is finally over. Unfortunately, that darkness now resides within us, in the memory of that vile sex tape we were all more or less forced to watch. Like David, we brought down the giant – but unlike David, we had to see a disgusting old man ding-dong to make it happen. I think we can all agree that the period of time in which our now-former president sat in the Oval Office was one of the most shameful of our lives,…
Name’s Jefff. That’s right, three f’s. One more f than you’re comfortable with. I know why you’re here. You need someone one-upped. You need someone’s ego bruised. Last time I bruised an ego, I destroyed it. Irreparably. Had to. Bruising it wasn’t enough. Had to take it one step further. You understand. Of course you do. That’s why you’re here. You might be thinking you have a job I can’t handle. Guess what? If that’s what you’re thinking, I really can’t handle it. On the other hand, if you think I can handle it, I’ll do a whole lot more than that. But let’s not get…
Claire, get off your phone. Claire, get off your phone. Claire, get off your phone. Thanks. Anyway, we have to figure out what to do with all this shelf space. Some people from corporate are coming in later today to take away all the assault rifles, which Claire didn’t help me box up last night, and also Claire get off your phone. Put it in your bag. Put it in your bag, Claire. We’re having a meeting. Thank you. Guns are sexy. Powerful guns, even sexier. Which is why we’ve been selling them here at Abercrombie & Fitch for so…
First off, let me just say that none of us had used that filing cabinet in a while. Those papers sitting on top just looked like any old stack of totally inconspicuous papers. Oh, God, paperwork, most of us thought. You know that feeling when you see a stack of papers and think, Oh, God, paperwork? That’s what we were feeling. That’s why we didn’t go near it. Secondly, when we were breached, 145.5 million Americans had their Social Security numbers stolen. 145.5 million people. What is 2.4 million compared to that? 2.4 million is such a small number, percentage-wise, compared to the…