Screenshot/Twitter/Jeopardy! With his 21st win in a row, [James] Holzhauer has the second-longest winning streak in Jeopardy! history, putting him ahead of Julia Collins, who won 20 games in a row in 2014… Holzhauer won $80,615 in Thursday’s game, bringing his total winnings to about $1.6 million, according to Jeopardy!’s results. — TIME, 5/3/19 Dear Mr. Holzhauer, As the producers of Jeopardy!, let us just be the first to congratulate you on your incredible winning streak. Over the past few weeks, you have won a staggering $1.6 million from our humble television quiz show. And we have nothing but the…
Author: Dan Caprera
Dan Caprera
Dan Caprera is a freelancer living in Chicago. As well as being a columnist and contributor at McSweeney's, his work has been featured by The Daily Mail, Vulture, Lonely Planet, The A.V. Club, Uproxx, The Chive, Golf Digest, 9News Denver, National Lampoon, National Humorist, Mic, ShortList, and BroBible. He has a website.
Dear sir, First off, we here at KFC would just like to thank you for your enthusiasm. It is devoted customers like you that make our franchise such a worldwide phenomenon, and we could not succeed without your continued, unbridled support! Unfortunately, although we appreciate your obvious passion for our world-famous Kentucky-style chicken, we fear that you may have potentially misinterpreted one of our company’s key slogans. Sir, when we say that our chicken is “finger lickin’ good,” we were referring to, specifically, your own fingers. Not all fingers in general. And it is crucial that you understand this distinction.…
We’ve seen it a million times before. From The Matrix to I, Robot, from The Terminator to Battlestar Galactica, pop culture has been predicting the robot uprising for at least a century. However, while it’s certainly exciting to imagine a full-scale robo-revolution… this scenario is implausible for one key reason: We treat our baristas waaay worse than we treat our robots. And while our baristas have done nothing so far, the time will soon come to pay for our sins. I mean, I’m sorry. But if we’re worried about a revolution, should robots really be the first thing our minds…
Look out, ladies. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and this year I’m single and ready to mingle. Yup. That’s right. Your old pal Dan just got a new haircut and a pair of chinos from Uniqlo… and he’s about to dive headfirst into the dating pool. But if you wanna get with me girl, then you better be watch out. Because I’m the kind of guy your mom warned you about… That is… if your mom warned you about guys who are really, really (really) into solving riddles. Because that’s my deal. I’m the riddle guy. And if…
Confession time, folks… Two months ago, when my son Jeffrey got accepted onto his school’s honor roll, I was pretty jazzed. You see, not only did Jeffrey’s accomplishment prove that he was dedicated to the rigors of academic excellence, but even more importantly, it was a testament to my abilities as both a caretaker and as a role model. And you know what, I’ll admit it: After hearing that my Jeff was an honor student, I was a very proud father. Or, at least, I was… Until I remembered that pride is a sin in the Bible. After that, I immediately…
What makes a great film? As the Academy Awards approach, it’s once again time to ask the age-old question: “What is the greatest film of all time?” Sadly, due to the overly broad nature of this problem, it is a very difficult question to answer… Is Citizen Kane the greatest movie of all time? Is it Casablanca? How about The Godfather? The possibilities are endless. Fortunately, however, while we will never know what the “world’s greatest film” is… there is one certain niche film genre that has a clear frontrunner: Nanny McPhee is the Citizen Kane of nanny movies. Which…
“A Cleveland radio station says it has stopped playing ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ after listeners said the song heard on countless holiday playlists is inappropriate.” – The Associated Press (12/1/18) ———- As Christmas approaches, it’s once again time to rehash the old debate: Should we, as a society, still be listening to the song “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”? Clearly, in today’s current climate, this song has not aged well. Not in the slightest. But, while it’s all too easy to condemn this tune for its many failings, we still need to remember that, at its core, this song is simply…
We’ve seen it a million times before. Every time a new video game comes out, news organizations across the globe immediately publish thousands of op-ed pieces, all asking the same, redundant question: “Are our video games too violent for our children?” And, given the overly-descriptive nature of these editorials, I feel almost obligated to ask the following question: Are our ‘Are Our Video Games Too Violent for Our Children?’ op-ed pieces too violent… …for our children? From The New York Times to Fox, from Vice to Vox, every day our precious children are being exposed to gruesome, gory, and utterly-depraved…