Dear Amazon, the labor conditions of your fulfillment centers and warehouses are absolutely horrible. Conditions that include twelve-hour shifts where employees are on their feet and firing workers who don’t package up items fast enough. Hell, your company’s forklift killed a worker. But bad labor conditions aside, where is my package? I ordered it three days ago. Three days ago I ordered one of your Amazon Alexas and because you make me pay $99 a year in order to get free two-day shipping, I expect my package to arrive in two days, not three. What’s taking so long, Mr. Bezos?…
Author: Daniel Stillman
Daniel Stillman
I'm Daniel Stillman, a Chicago-based copywriter and humor writer. I currently write humorous digital ads for Jack Link's beef jerky and 7-Eleven at Ketchum PR agency. Out of the office, I'm studying satire with The Second City and I'm currently contributing to Flexx Magazine. I was also Editor-in-Chief and writer of The Black Sheep, a college satirical publication at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign for three years.
Hello, Thanks for your note! I’m currently out of the office and out sailing on my yacht! If you are one of my constituents, you will be happy to know that I’m currently busy out on the sea, definitely thinking about improving your life as an American. Please consider donating to my reelection campaign because I’d love to continue helping you, helping me buy another yacht. Sailing away, Vern Buchanan R-Florida Hello, Thank you for your email. I’m currently out with my mistress because it is incredibly easy to have a mistress when you leave your family for a year…