A New England toddler has promised to unleash a “whirlwind of chaos” unless his nanny locates a toy he lost half a year ago. Carter Blake Harrison-Clarke-Middlesworth III, three-year old resident of Greenwich, Connecticut, has been beside himself since the discovery. “I’m a reasonable boy,” Carter shouted, “but if I don’t get my toy I swear I’m going to have Nanny Esperanza deported and burn the summerhouse to the ground!” The problems began last Tuesday, when Carter entered his second bedroom for afternoon play. “I’d been chilling in the pool, and after drying off in the sunshine I went to…
Author: David Christopher Johnston
David Christopher Johnston
David Christopher Johnston (he/him) is a satirical fiction author from England. A redhead from a working-class background, he writes because it's much cheaper than therapy. His short stories and comedy pieces have been published in the U.K. by Bandit Fiction and Literally Stories, and in the U.S.A. by Robot Butt. You can find more of David's published work on his website: davidchristopherjohnston.com
1. You need to re-decorate the bedroom. Do you? a) Do it yourself because you’re not paying some bloke a fortune to splash paint on the walls. b) Pay a pleb to do it and follow them round the house to make sure they don’t steal your Hot Yoga matt or sniff your underwear. 2. Do you know anyone called Oscar, Tarquin, Olivia, Lucas, Penelope, Henry, Pippa or Francesca? a) You’d get stabbed where I grew up with a name like that. b) Everyone I know is called Oscar, Tarquin, Olivia, Lucas, Penelope, Henry, Pippa or Francesca. 3. How do…
Home Alone: two irresponsible parents ghost their young child during the holidays. Triggers: child abuse; neglect; burglar stereotyping. Toy Story: a fascist cowboy is pressed at the arrival of a new minority roommate. Triggers: racism; xenophobia; gratuitous violence. Harry Potter: a bunch of basic white kids wage war on an orphaned loner. Triggers: transphobia. Back to the Future: in 1950s America, a teenage mother falls for her son. Triggers: incest; homophobia; dangerously inaccurate nostalgia. Fight Club: a schizophrenic forms a boxing club with his fam. Triggers: toxic masculinity; mentalism; chauvinism. Forrest Gump: a sus guy at a bus stop offers…
Shocking news from Middle-Earth today as Hobbiton legal firm, Bracegirdle & Proudfoot, announced a multi-million dollar lawsuit against the renowned wizard, Gandalf the Grey. Proceedings were filed in the Minis Tirith Supreme Court this morning on behalf of Gandalf’s four former traveling companions – Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin – who claim ninety million Middle-Earth Dollars in damages for mistreatment, bullying and psychological distress following the One Ring Scandal of the 1950s. The lawsuit comes just weeks after the release of Pippin’s best-selling autobiography, Fool of a Took: My Untold Story, which made a number of damaging accusations about Gandalf’s wild…
Downsizing: we’re firing you because we don’t have enough spare cash to pay the CEO’s year-end bonus. Restructuring: we can’t legally fire you, so we’re going to undertake a time-consuming and nonsensical restructuring of the entire department that will allow us to a) phase out your role and get rid of you without being sued, and b) pay the CEO’s year-end bonus. There’s Lots of Moving Parts: we have no idea what is going on or when it needs to be done, so please stop asking questions. Think Outside the Box: we still have no idea what is going on…