Author: David Henne

1. Abraham Lincoln’s Assassination Theatergoer 1: John Wilkes Booth is making his way toward the president’s box with the intent to yell something in Latin! Theatergoer 2: Not on my watch. 2. Wall Street Crash of 1929 Stockbroker 1: My gun brings me such unbridled confidence, I believe I’ll invest another hundred thousand in the market. Stockbroker 2: Let’s all funnel more money into the already-stable American stock market. All of America: *Triumphantly fires guns into the sky* 3. The JFK Assassination  Dallas Civilian 1: There’s a nefarious character situated on that grassy knoll. Dallas Civilian 2: Already got him in my sights. Civilian 1: And is…

1. Today is the day your MoviePass card arrives. 2. The universe intended for your MoviePass card to be delivered tomorrow. 3. Or Friday. Your MoviePass will surely be waiting for you by Friday. 4. Next Friday. 5. Saturday your MoviePass will arrive. You will see Blade Runner 2049 with Denise. The money you save on your ticket will allow you to purchase enough popcorn to be considered desirable. 6. You were strong enough to get this far into November without a MoviePass. You are strong enough to keep going. 7. Pressing your face against the glass door of a movie theater and moaning loudly will accelerate the arrival of your…

As a longtime performance clown of suburban septic systems, I feel it’s necessary to clear the air. Not all sewer clowns are eldritch demonic entities of evil. We’re not collectively preying on your children beneath drainage grates, confiscating their paper boats and severing their arms. That’s the first tenet of the Sewer Clown Code, as a matter of fact: To not covet the treasured limbs of surface dwellers. Like so many sewer clowns, I’m down here trying to make a living for my sewer family. I’ve performed for more than 27 years across the country, and I’ve loved every second.…