Dear Julius Caesar / Caesar / JC / Jules / C-Rock, I’ve just been informed by the Roman Senate that you intend to “cross the Rubicon.” How dare you do such a thing? As with the other noblemen, I am totally and completely peeved. More than peeved. In fact, I am confused! Where are your virtues? Your honor? Your detailed letter of intent providing important context clues about the crossing of this “Rubicon?” For years, I have watched your rapid ascent into the upper echelon of Roman society with great admiration. From your beginnings as a lowly foot soldier to…
Author: Dennis Chen
Dennis Chen
Dennis Chen is a writer living in Los Angeles. In his spare time, he enjoys being buried under snacks - NOT SNAKES. He finds it odd that he needs to clarify this, but it is SHOCKING how often his birthday is ruined by a den of falling snakes.
Planning a romantic Valentine’s Day is all about showing how much you care about someone. This is true no matter if you married your high school sweetheart or if you have two thousand concubines that were painstakingly selected through the imperial harem system. At the end of the day, it’s the thought that counts. Here are a few romantic Valentine’s Day ideas that will make your legion of lovers swoon, but also reaffirm the strategic political alliances they each represent. Cook Dinner Together Add a fun twist on a traditional dinner date by making it yourself. Instead of doing the…
It’s simple. If you want to be a real assassin, then you must kill someone every day. No excuses. As an award-winning contract killer myself, if I’m not murdering someone, then I’m thinking about murdering someone. Because if you’re not constantly sharpening your blade, then you’re never gonna make it in this cutthroat industry. I get emails from ambitious graduate students every day asking me how they can break into the professional killing industry. Sometimes they’ll even include a link to their portfolio, begging me to critique their homicides. But if I’m being honest with you, ninety-nine percent of them…
Every time it’s seventy-two and sunny, a Corona gets its lime. Every time work hours turn into happy hours, a Corona gets its lime. Every time somebody looks at you weird and your coworker Becky tells you to let it go but you can’t, a Corona gets its lime. Every time the bouncer says, “Look man, you gotta go” and you drunkenly yell, “Screw you! You’re not the boss of me!” a Corona gets its lime. Every time you wake up in a ditch with a broken nose next to a congregation of raccoons, a Corona gets its lime. Every…
So you’re the new kid, huh? You look like you were born yesterday. What are you, five? I remember when I was five. What a time! Of course, that feels like a lifetime ago now. I’ll be turning five-and-a-half soon. That’s almost six. Next thing I know, I’ll be eight! Or is it seven? Anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard but I’m Kevin. Do you like Starburst? I do. The pink ones are the best. Go ahead, take one. So, word on the jungle gym is that you want some crayons. That’s tough. Crayons are harder to find than green caterpillars.…
Sorry about that, detectives. Where was I? Oh right, the banging. I remember thinking, “At this hour? Who the hell could be knocking at this hour?” Obviously no one expects a murderer to show up on their doorstep in the middle of the night. So I thought, “Maybe it’s craft beer.” See I know this guy who works at a local bar and sometimes he hooks me up with leftover beer. Pretty sweet, right? It’s all kinds too, not just domestic! Anyways, I open the door and it’s not him. It’s some other guy and he’s wearing a mask, which…