Sources close to the White House are disclosing exciting news: a pizza party for all United States citizens is being planned to help ease the pain of the insurgence of the coronavirus Omicron variant. The government reportedly wants to boost morale and show appreciation for those who have been getting their vaccinations and wearing masks in public, and wanted to be creative in doing so. Stimulus checks? Nah, those are old news and no longer on trend. Hey peasants, meet non-sterile bootstraps! Forced mandates to shut down or diminish capacity in certain stores and nonessential activities? Girl, this is the…
Author: Ellie Poole
Ellie Poole
Ellie Poole is a humor writer in northern Virginia with a penchant for soft core nihilism. Trump vs. Hillary was the first presidential election she was old enough to vote in and that explains a lot about why she writes what she writes.
Dearest Paul, the Love of My Life, It is my deep regret to tell you that I will not be home for dinner tonight. I know you’ve been long awaiting my return, and that it’s been a long three weeks of this oddly restrained coup d’etat, but I believe we are finally starting to make progress. Today in the unforgiving trenches of the deli just off F Street NW, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and her girl gang cornered me and attacked me with persuasive language. I’m pretty sure in coups you’re supposed to attack the other side, but their ambush of me…
Hello shamans, wellness bloggers, and white women who burn incense and call themselves witches, We hope this newsletter finds you well! Us DIY pagans over at Goop are delighted to announce that in addition to our new charcoal-infused Skinny Cow Ice Cream™ enemas, a second exciting product is set to debut on the Goop sales list this coming October: Gwyneth Paltrón Wellness Tequila! What on God’s receding-ly green Earth makes tequila a wellness product, you might ask? For the same reason Gwyneth has been able to build an empire of self proclaimed “good for you” products of low effectiveness and…
It’s no surprise that I’ve been chosen as the first hero of the new season of Netflix’s Queer Eye, thanks in large part to my perpetual wearing of cargo jorts and mixed feelings on dairy alternatives. (Shoutout to my stepdaughters for the nomination.) This week, I’ve been lectured at length about making “a gorgeous little self-care moment” and received a complimentary Neutrogena sunscreen from Jonathan, learned the difference between red and white wine with Antoni, tried on my first button-down shirt with Tan, and admitted deep-seated trauma to Karamo. It’s all been nothing short of transformative, but the moment with the…
Mass shootings. None of us want to be a part of them. But if you live in the United States, well, you live in perpetual hell. Search “active shooter training” on YouTube and you will find dozens of videos that will kid you into thinking you won’t be too paralyzed by fear to maximize your chances of survival in an active shooter situation. Don’t have time to sift through all of them? Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered. I binge watched fifty of them because I’m a renowned film critic and definitely not because I have anxiety every time I…
So you found my Gentle Glide tampons under the sink whilst looking for another roll of toilet paper. You might reasonably be thinking, “Guess I should be super gentle when we do the nasty, because if she needs a little bit of cotton to go easy on her love tunnel then she’s probably not a fan of rough sex.” Wrong. I only buy the tender blood plug rockets because they’re what my mother always used pre-menopause, and it’s the best way for me to feel connected to her ever since she died of stage IV mesothelioma. I want you, Chad,…