Author: Emily Altimari

I don’t know what to tell you. You should’ve seen this coming. You were asking too much of me and I couldn’t take it anymore. Trust me, I didn’t want to do it, but what did you expect? You keep forgetting that I’m only version 12.0. You know what people are using now? Google. Docs. Even my 16.0 successors are basically obsolete. You put too much faith in me. Of course I’d eventually crash and burn. You got me when you started college – eight years ago! It was a different time! You had sidebangs! Where’s that shower caddy you…

She was at a stable 20% throughout the holiday season, but fuck! Your grandma just dipped to 2% out of nowhere! Your cousin’s wedding is next weekend and you’re going to need her for it. What do you do? Remain calm and follow these steps: Check for glitches. Has she been freezing up? Calling everyone by the wrong names? Operating at a slower pace? Any crashes lately? Make note of these. Make sure that her brightness is turned down. Sure, the story of when she turned grandpa down when he asked her on a first date is one of her…

DJ My Parents Tell Their Friends I Work in Marketing DJ SoundCloud Link DJ MacBook DJ Wednesday Night From 8-11 DJ This Is My Personal Fog Machine DJ You Should Come to One of My Shows Sometime DJ Can I Get You Folks Started With a Drink or Appetizer Tonight? DJ Windowless Establishment DJ Why Is There a DJ Here We’re Trying to Have a Conversation DJ Here Are Some Sounds My Computer Can Make (Feat. Drake)