Surprising Your Family by Coming Home for Prime Day: Even though you may already be home because it’s the middle of the week, there is something special about opening the door on Prime Day Eve and surprising your family while you celebrate the unbelievable deals to be found on Amazon together. Donating Your Trashed Amazon Purchases to Those in Need: It’s the two-day season of giving and that means donating to those who don’t have it as good as we do. It’s beautiful to think that all of your now-broken Amazon Basics appliances and your chemical-filled Amazon clothing that started…
Author: Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Emily Kapp and Daniel Stillman
Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer who has appeared in Robot Butt, Flexx Mag, Funny-ish, Little Old Lady Comedy, and Weekly Humorist. Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
Image credit: Heorshe – stock.adobe.com Here at Subway, we’ve been listening. You bitched and complained about everything, from the cost of our sandwiches to the way our employees treat you while you order. That’s why we’re revamping everything we can literally think of about our establishment to make it worse and, at the same time, more convincing for you to come through our doors. What made us make these overhauls? Well, aside from us having an identity crisis every other year, and the submarine exploding giving us a bad rep, we want you to feel your best every time you…
Sup, fellow universe dweller. It’s me. The fictional character on this poorly written TV show you’re watching. You’ve probably noticed that I’m wearing a Baja jacket – aka the jacket that white dude stoners wear. I’d elaborate on my character more, but really, there’s nothing else you need to know. This jacket tells you everything you need to know about me, my character development, and any plot I’m involved in. Essentially, what you see is what you get. Peace, brother. Anyone got some Mary Jane? If you’re wondering, the character I’m playing used to be a goody two-shoes. Straight As,…
We have a major epidemic in this country. The disease? Small businesses. Not only are they destroying our economy, but they’re forcing us to pay more for handmade, quality goods and materials made in their own humble storefronts and adhered-to labor laws. Wake up, Americans! Now more than ever, we need to be supporting big businesses and their plight to continue making billion-dollar profits. We need to stand up for the KFCs, the Burger Kings, and the Taco Bells of the world and make sure their underpaid social media managers’ voices on Twitter are heard. And we need to protect…
Hulu has left me no choice. Well, I have the opposite problem. Hulu has given me a choice and I’m making a decision to talk about it. Constantly, when I’m watching an Abbott Elementary episode and Hulu cuts to a commercial break, a decision is thrown at me: Which commercial do I want to watch? Since when is it my choice? I’ve never decided what commercial I want to see before Hulu and I sure as heck don’t want to now. Typical, a man that can’t read my mind. I work a full-time job and am also the primary homemaker.…
Hey, girl. Curling up for a movie? We used to do that, once. I’ll never forget the night I picked you up. Movie night. The dead of winter. I was the bad boy who caught your attention when you were feeling a little lonely. You pushed my buttons, and I pushed yours right back. Pushed your buttons so hard that the microwavable popcorn I was supposed to take care of caught fire and set the fire alarm off. So hard that the alarm caused your entire apartment building to evacuate. So hard that you had to go outside in your…
Pfizer Points: If you were a fan of our somewhat effective COVID-19 vaccine, you’re going to love Pfizer Points. Save big money with Big Pharma where for every COVID-19 vaccine you get, you’ll receive five Pfizer Points. And there’s no limit to how many times you can get jabbed, so pull your sleeves up and cash in. As well as purchasing our other Pfizer products like ChapStick and Advil to earn you points, those who reach 10,000 points can redeem for a magic, non-FDA approved pill that will make you live forever. Lockheed Martin Rewards: Unarmed civilians, now’s your chance…
Portrait of happy businessman with arms crossed standing in office Today I passed a kidney stone. And I can’t say I didn’t see it coming. I felt it. I am a healthy person. I am 800 pounds. I am not allowed 500 feet near a gym. I have a life-threatening water allergy that leaves me permanently dehydrated. But otherwise, I am healthy. Yesterday, I woke up with excruciating pain. But I went to work anyway, because I have no sick days. The water fountain at the office was covered. To minimize the spread of COVID-19. So I did the uncomfortable.…
Running out of time to cause a little mischief in the nursing home before you head out for good? Not to worry you old geezer, here’s a list of pranks you have to do before you kick the bucket! 1. Turn the Noise All the Way Down When Jeopardy! Is On No, it’s not your hearing aids, Dolores. Turn up your prank game by turning the typically blaring sound of Jeopardy! all the way down to really freak the other residents out in the activities lounge after the third-graders singing show tunes leave. 2. Put Your Enemy’s Dentures in a…