1. “His music is so good, though! I love the way he fantasizes about killing women and Satanism. It really gave me shelter in high school and allowed me to be a full-fledged douchebag.” 2. “One time he fed me a bagel while he held me in his arms and told me tales from the road. He can’t be evil.” 3. “He told me the secrets of the universe and then showed me God. How could a heavenly creature do anything wrong?” 4. “I once had the opportunity to be almost fifty feet from him and he smiled. How can…
Author: Emily Knapp
Emily Knapp
Emily Knapp is a Colorado-based writer and comedian. She is originally from Chicago, but fled west because she really likes seeing the sun in February. Her writing has been featured in McSweeney's, Slackjaw, Points in Case, and other places on the internet. Her apartment currently resides in Golden, but you can find her in the mountains writing, hiking, running, or skiing. If she's not doing any of that, she is 100% eating tacos. You can find more or her stuff on emilyknappwriter.com.
Apathetic Deli-Sliced Ham: Good news! You got a main meat dish. Bad news? It’s Christmas Eve and the grocery stores are out of everything. Go ahead and grab that deli meat, throw it in the oven for ten minutes, and cut into it like a turkey! Crushed Dreams Potatoes: These are a fun take on mashed potatoes that capture the upheaval and depression from the never-ending pandemic. Swap out cream for your jar of tears. Mash until combined. Sentimental Sweet Potato Casserole: The dish your mom always made. Present it ten minutes into the call when your dad inevitably reminds you that your…
Bon Appetit’s Basically Guide to Better Baking (died from a classist ingredient list, March 31st, 2020) Bon Appetit thought they could make me a better baker in ten weeks. Boy were they wrong. They said it would be easy, but like every other Bon Appetit recipe, only wealthy hipsters from Brooklyn can afford to buy Medjool dates during a pandemic and spend a whole day making cinnamon rolls. In short, I will not mourn you and your elitist trash. It is survived by an impulsive three-month magazine subscription, overuse of the buzzword “alliums,” and the Bon Appetit chefs saying it…