Author: Emily Schleiger

When you were in school, it was Campbell’s soup labels. Now your kids’ school needs box tops from your cereal. Sometimes the school requests soda pop tabs for some charity. Or grocery bags, newspaper and toilet paper rolls for projects. Another day they need old T-shirts your kid can use for art class, and old socks to use for cleaning dry erase boards. I mean, really, could the requests get weirder? Yes. They could. We interviewed several families about the unusual things schools have asked them to contribute: “My son Mason is in kindergarten. They’re making 3D collages in class.…

Happy New Year! Have you set some far-fetched intentions, sure to be abandoned before the Ides of January? Are you failing at your New Year’s goals before you’ve even finished writing them? Cut yourself a little slack. It turns out, New Year’s resolutions have existed for over 2,000 years, and it appears humanity hasn’t made any meaningful progress at being kinder, leaner, or more charitable. Let’s toast to schadenfreude and examine New Year’s resolution fails throughout time! 3000 BC: Babylonians promised their gods at the start of each new year they would repay debts and return borrowed objects. Most failed…

It’s Christmas Eve. Bella and Jim have just arrived home from a half day at work. Bella is still removing her mittens when headlights appear in the window, blinding the two of them. A car is parked outside facing the house. JIM: What the-? BELLA: Shit. They’re really early. JIM: Are we expecting anyone tonight? I thought your family was coming over in the morning. [Bella sighs, then cheers up, leading Jim outside to see a champagne-colored Lexus LS 500 with a bow the size of a peacock on top.] JIM: WHOA. A… beige… sedan. Is this- BELLA: For you?!…

As the weather changes, so does the appetite. Trying to find new, hearty recipes for fall dinners for my husband and kids is a challenge, though. My family is repulsed by my cooking efforts. Meanwhile, OTHER families seem to just LOVE these healthy recipes!  Hearty Keto-Friendly Spinach and Feta Pizza With Cauliflower Crust Kendra, 5 stars: “Revolutionary! All creatures like cauliflower, right? Why didn’t anyone think to make a crust out of it before??? This recipe has turned my  picky son Jimmy from a scrawny vegan Cheetos fan into a flag football-loving star athlete. He obliterates the field, assisted by the…

If you’re like me, you’ve wondered how and why Hollywood continues to make non-animated movies about dogs. Haven’t all the fantasy themes been explored, the corny puns been made? The shocking answer is that there is a wealthy, eccentric, old man in Los Angeles who claims that his dogs continually request new movies with which they can relate. This man, Mr. Smoreswood, appears unannounced to screenwriters, refusing to leave until the writer gives in to his request for a new canine-centric script. Whenever a new dog movie comes out, chances are Smoreswood is pulling the strings behind it.  His family…

It’s infuriating! Once again you’re in your doctor’s waiting area, or sitting in the exam room with a gown of paper napkins covering your shivering flesh, waiting forty-five minutes after arriving on time to your appointment! What gives? Is your doctor in the break room playing Candy Crush for the third hour, or painting another yawn-worthy floral watercolor to hang in the lobby?  Actually, while this might appear to be a modern problem, we did a little exploring and discovered that patients have always had to wait on tardy doctors. A revisit of the Greek translation of the Hippocratic Oath…

The Slip ‘N Slide seems like a toy that has been around forever. But believe it or not, there were summers before it. How did its existence come about? We sat down with a knowledgeable expert on the fun summer pastime to discuss its origins. Robot Butt: Today we’re interviewing a historian of the Slip ‘N Slide, sitting here with us in the dark shadows, using a voice disguiser that makes him sound a lot like Darth Vader. Is it okay if we call you Darth? Historian: I- RB: Great. So as we understand it, the invention of the Slip…

Between 1965 and 1980, four culinary icons emerged : TGI Fridays, Ruby Tuesday, Chili’s, and Applebee’s. They all offered similarly regrettable American meals, with a level of ambience a step above fast food: table service, and wall decor consisting of dusty faux antiques and celebrity photos misleadingly implying star-studded restaurant visits. While all four chains were profitable, the companies would struggle, for the next fifteen years or so, with loss of revenue due to broken plates. At the root of this phenomenon were customers angry about the “greens” on their plates (parsley garnish), who would often slam down their plates…

[Present: VP Marketing, SVP Marketing, EVP Marketing] VP Marketing: As you know, the focus of today’s meeting is to discuss expansion of our product line of White Strips. Research shows that customers today want a dizzying array of options, which could mean more than our six types of teeth whiteners. SVP Marketing: What began as simply White Strips, a product used to whiten teeth via fourteen daily applications, has grown to include the following: 3D White Strips Classic Vivid, 3D White Luxe Professional Effects White Strips, 3D White Strips Gentle Routine, 3D White Strips 1-Hour Express, 3D White Luxe Glamorous White White…

Meet Donnie. He loves golf, tweeting, and playing with missiles. Donnie also likes to imagine he’s a leader, and has dreams of becoming a respected president one day. He doesn’t live like other children. His family has neglected him, leaving him more than two hundred miles away. As a result, Donnie spends the majority of his weeks in psychic isolation, working sometimes full eight-hour days. This life of hard labor and crippling loneliness has already taken a toll on him, such that he’s almost forgotten how to feel joy. All Donnie wants is to smile more. Your urgent help can…