Author: Eric Farwell

After 10,000 years spent floating in a space dumpster, and 25 years married to an alien lord with an exposed brain, I decided that I, Rita Repulsa, needed a bit of a change. Starting in 1993, I would send new monsters I invented to fight “Power Rangers,” teenagers in highly flammable Halloween costumes provided by an adult man that spied on them in a secret cave. Now they’re all adults working at Wow Tech, California’s top VR company for games that help kids cope with divorce. Since I don’t have much going on right now, I thought it was the…

Ben and I went to a college where the professors, students, banisters, and water fountains were all queer, trans, and non-gendered. We were the only two cis-gendered straight people there, and we actively petitioned against their right to marry, adopt, own dogs, or sing in postmodern barbershop quartets. I knew he was the one for me when he asked me to help ban veganism in public spaces in his hometown of Skinny Jeans, Oregon. A lot of people we’ve paid will ask us, “what was the first big romantic gesture Ben made?” Well, it came just after I asked my father…

In a few days, we’ll be taking the weekend jet to Pompeii for a vacation. We’re renting this cute house right near a volcano that’s as haunted as it is romantic. The woman we’re renting from – she lives in Fair Haven, NJ but has this house and a shabby chic starter castle in Transylvania – says we’ll definitely have to fight to stay alive. Luckily, my husband grew up in Pompeii, so he can protect us. He’s charred remains and works for a hedge fund in Norway. He’s been practicing spell-casting with the new Tom Ford Grimoire, and has really…

I, Carl Doink, have punched out five-eyed sharks on Jupiter’s icy moons. On Garalius-98, there’s a festival held in my honor, and though confetti can easily kill the planet’s inhabitants, they throw it anyway. I helped save the golden retriever king, Pete, when he was stolen from his milk-bone castle on Barkulon. I’ve had countless encounters across galaxies that will be spoken of for the rest of time. Yet, for the life of me, I can’t remember if we’ve had sex, Veronica from H&R Block. Sitting here in your office on Earth-7, discussing my taxes, I feel like we might…

Lovers, fighters, and those seeking good vibes, we know work can be hard, and that at the end of the day, all you want to do is be able to pick up your nooch-infused seitan love bowl without hassle. We also know that if you’re anything like us, you need some time to just sit in the car and decompress or fantasize about abandoning your family so you don’t scream at everyone when you walk through the door. Being mindful about this as we are about everything else, we here at EveryVegan have decided to never have your order ready…

Have you ever felt tired, exhausted, or fatigued? We really hope the answer is no, because our drug, Alertsiprexis, does a wonderful job of helping you feel energized, so long as you do everything in your power to never feel like you need it! Our researchers spent countless hours working on this grant-funded miracle of modern science that is guaranteed to help you feel no different than you normally do. Alertsiprexis began when one of us came in to the lab, feeling upbeat and cheerful as usual, radiating energy as if we were powered by a hundred suns, or even…

Greetings, new, sexy stranger! You’ve been accepted into our warm (some would say humid) home because most/all of us have agreed that we want to accept you into our beds (winky face). This means that you are either Javier Bardem, or look like him enough if you kind of squint, and should be applauded for how attractive you are. Along with this note, you’ll find a gift bag filled with prophylactics, cashew cheese, fig butter, and our preferred brand of soap (Dr. Bronner’s or bust)! Before we get to all of that, let’s go over some ground rules: 1. Curtains…