It wasn’t supposed to go down like this. I mean, the deals weren’t even all that spectacular. You see, Oprah had mentioned piano lessons as a hot gift on her list this year as part of “giving a child the gift of music.” So, just for fun, Watson and Son’s Pianos decided to have its first-ever Black Friday sale. We had no idea the fervor that promotion would create. We only marked stuff down, like maybe one percent more than our Back-to-School Sale, and we struggled to sell two Grandies that week! In fact, we had so much downtime during…
Author: Erik Sternberger
Erik Sternberger
Erik Sternberger is a writer and improviser based out of Columbus, Ohio. He studied at The Second City Chicago and also writes sketches and short plays. He recently had his science fiction satire collection "But It's Not About That" enjoy a well-reviewed three-week run. Follow Erik on Twitter @ZapThunder.
Jared Kushner Silver Spoon Collection (with one spoon for each issue he has resolved) Travel Ban Beach Towels (reversible) Steve Bannon Presidential Memorial White Bedroom Sheet Set “Congratulations on Crushing Your TV Appearance with Fox & Friends Hannity Jeanine Pirro This Week ABC Meet the Press Sunday TODAY” Cake for Rudy Giuliani Repeal and Replace Bobbleheads of All 51 Republican Senators Nobel Peace Prize Decorative Plates, Napkins and Placemats (with maze of Korean DMZ for kids!) Working Replica Key to the White House in Honor of Vladimir Putin’s First Visit Huge “We Built It” Wall-Shaped Piñata Full of Carrier Air Filters American Flag “T” Loyalty Badges (for…
Quentin Tarantino Very Violent. Riffed for thirty minutes on how hard it would be to get blood and brains out of Wookie hair. Wanted the opening crawl brought back but written on Emilia Clarke’s feet. Had Lando say the n-word. A lot. Duplass Brothers Budget-friendly. They claimed they could film the whole thing at a cabin in a weekend. With Alden already having trouble getting Han’s voice right, adding mumblecore on top of that seemed like too much work for his acting coach. Hasbro rep balked at there being no possible toys. Christopher Nolan Extremely tight and smart pitch no…
By Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House of Representatives Visiting relatives for the holidays is no excuse to miss a gym day. Luckily, P90X taught me that a body can provide its own best resistance. It’s natural to feel some guilt after Thanksgiving, whether it be from eating too many candied yams or from swallowing all your principles in order to get the tax breaks you want. I can help you take care of all that, but before you do anything, be sure to take out your favorite Ayn Rand quote and put it above the door to the room…
1) Prune Face 2) Brownshirt 3) Snowflake 4) Walrus Man 5) RINO 6) Cosmopolitan 7) Amanaman 8) Squid Head 9) Cucservative 10) Dindu 11) Snaggletooth 12) Yak Face 13) Hammerhead 14) Kasich KEY STAR WARS: 1, 4, 7, 8, 11, 12, 13 ALT-RIGHT: 2, 3, 5, 6, 9, 10, 14 (probably)
President Donald Trump recently claimed that he received telephone calls from the head of the Boy Scouts and the Mexican president, both praising him for a variety of things, but it was easily proven that the calls never happened. That little fib got us thinking – what other phone calls has Trump been lying about? Here are just a few of the president’s most recent phone calls he claims to have received: “The head of the NAACP. Wonderful phone call. Great guy. Thanked me for appointing Jeff Sessions.” “Kim Jong-un surprised me the other day. Said I was so much…
McKinley Elementary’s Spring Science Fair is just around the corner! When preparing your projects, be aware that there have been changes in the annual event due to an executive order by President Trump. This year, the public will not be allowed access to the gymnasium to view the projects until the Betsy DeVos-approved judging staff has vetted all the little scientists’ results. In order to maximize your chances of not being disqualified, please select from the following updated list of acceptable projects for 2017 that were provided to us by the administration: Create Your Own Volcano This is often a cluttered field with…
1. Students were asked to write their own textbooks to save the school money. 2. There is no official government record of any student ITT Tech has featured in its commercials. 3. ITT Tech lost a chuck of its $580 million in federal aid in a complicated confidence game with a guy named Gary, who claimed to be the Duke of Computers. 4. The School of Drafting and Design was led by a zealot who refused to acknowledge the existence of the Z-axis. 5. Two Indiana locations installed Dairy Queen drive-through windows for students to work off their defaulted loans…
*That I assumed just by looking at him. Indiana Governor Mike Pence has recently hit the campaign trail with Donald Trump as the Republican Party’s 2016 vice presidential nominee. I don’t know much about the former lawyer, other than his terrible record when it comes to LGBT rights, reproductive health and education, but just by his looking like a stereotypical villain from an 80’s movie, there are some things we can probably infer. 1. Fearing a Loss, He Chickened Out of Running for Governor Due to his unpopular agenda on women’s rights issues, the Religious Freedom Restoration Act and his educational polices, Mike Pence was in…