Author: Ezgi Üstündağ

Thank you for this opportunity to do more work. You know me, always looking for ways to give back to our team and spend more time staring at Microsoft Office products. Your request feels like the furthest thing from “work,” even though all I’ve been able to think about since opening your email is how I need to not go to bed if I’m going to get this done. You really couldn’t have voluntold a better person, because there’s nothing that bothers me more than having a gap between meetings on my calendar, and your request has added another meeting…

You’re avoiding me on purpose; I know I’m the first thing you see when you turn toward the gift pile. I’m about five times larger than the next-largest package or bag, covered in floral wrapping paper going in two different directions because no retailer, not even the goddamn Pottery Barn, offers gift wrapping for toddler-sized blocks of acacia. I don’t know why I made that Pottery Barn reference. Ashlynn didn’t buy me from the Pottery Barn, or any of your registries. I’m not even new, really. For the last seven months, my home has been among piles of neatly folded…

I can see where this is going, and you know I don’t have the stomach for a second round of heartbreak. So let me be the one to say it: we could use some time apart. Maybe we find each other again after this all blows over, or maybe we grow apart and we don’t. Don’t seem so surprised! Do you think I haven’t noticed your eyes drifting to the pajama drawer even after taking your morning showers, safely within the confines of the “business hours” of the Before Times, or the uptick in the number of weekend hours spent…

Thank you so much for taking the courageous step of requesting time off next week even though I and the entire team know that you aren’t actually going anywhere, because you can’t. Nor should you; it would be selfish and irresponsible. But you know what isn’t selfish or irresponsible? Taking some time for yourself, away from work, so you can recharge. After more than twelve months of logging in at seven in the morning and feeling compelled to stare at your laptop until you collapse – eyes burning – into bed, you’ve earned it! You know who else has worked…

1. “You’re wrong about…” 2. “In my non-expert opinion…” 3. “COVID-19.” 4. “It’s all bullshit.” 5. “COVID-18.” 6. “Value add.” 7. “Not a team player.” 8. “A hot dog is a sandwich.” 9. “Data-driven” 10. “This might get weird.” 11. “Don’t be offended.” 12. “Why won’t you date me?” 13. “Sorry if you’re offended.” 14. “You made it weird.” 15. “Add value.” Answer Key 1-15: Both Links 1. https://open.spotify.com/show/1RefFgQB4Lrl7qczcTWA3o?si=NnDGWorOS_6lLJxo3PmNbA 2. https://open.spotify.com/show/21bHr4bzcaTCtTB3TPJVL1?si=z7CTCHMbRZaDH2XZhhsUeg 3. https://open.spotify.com/show/7hjlKkjw9W76k6m1cOz6gW?si=f1NuS_uESTuEjJgyx2IPrA 4. https://open.spotify.com/show/17xmEIKgAFGeQvOVwAA8hX?si=YGolu6T3SMOJF-wkL5jSFQ 5. https://open.spotify.com/show/5nqxec3SPZFTffqIYsbpS8?si=K8uch1O8SEaJQR1p1KJWLA 6. https://open.spotify.com/show/0GuTRZgz4pJAvRI4GEaPfx?si=llBM5u6cSFaMNJmbm94hdA 7. https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ii7bAhxV9x4oMu3c3T6EI?si=21kka6D2QxCztDZxyV2XHw 8. https://open.spotify.com/show/2i5anybdkLktC1ie6Cmhni?si=MQEuvmBYRiOcpNi2aazHPA 9. https://open.spotify.com/show/3ah85Ou7oj7ZsXNsaq18sx?si=tz7cDD2IQiaYwI8eW1todQ 10. https://open.spotify.com/show/6Pkr4TQLs5WeOr2IdsPUyR?si=2shdCqlZTYa4Tt0gbfWUDA 11. https://open.spotify.com/show/09p9PGLUS5pbZSGc5eqU8Y?si=lFY5EE8DRPyqj3aQAyuF2Q 12. https://open.spotify.com/show/6zdp3X2RMfZ7VbRXRfwNtp?si=T23Yw5juTPOkFucG0ADPog 13. https://open.spotify.com/show/5Jg4llSPKVT0mQraTmxjUT?si=4P99jV3AS6ahf1y4jJ2DZA 14. https://open.spotify.com/show/7bgRTVlU1rafqCEdXe71Jo?si=aZPm1_m-TPOEmRJC3I_78g 15. https://open.spotify.com/show/2hAWJcoc5Jd9ebtKQxJr6I?si=GyWBPdaJQqSeRAnMcKzHCw

Listen, I care about you – all of you, equally, but just slightly less than I care about myself. But this isn’t about me. This is about us coming together as a team during these unprecedented times to support each other while still adding value to our employer. That’s why, when I send you a meeting invite called “Virtual Happy Hour” and add all of you as “optional” attendees, it should be obvious that there’s nothing optional about it. This is the after-hours break with your colleagues that, despite never asking for, you have earned; I don’t see why I…

Following a full minute of stock footage of downtown Los Angeles, the camera cuts to Phil Keoghan’s bedroom, where he appears just as daring in front of a wall of family photos as he would hanging upside down from a helicopter above the Great Barrier Reef. He greets this season’s eleven teams by playing their previously filmed intro videos and then asking them to wave to their webcams. He then warns them to not use the internet to look stuff up, even though they have full internet and phone access because they’re confined to their homes and also have to…

I know Linda doesn’t always think before she speaks, but I need you to be the adult here and deescalate the situation. This is the sixth time she’s clutched me during this dinner, and I don’t even think she got to eat lunch because I was wrapped around her fingers the whole fucking time. Why did you decide to come home this weekend? Don’t you know Linda well enough to see that she would rather cry and storm off than sit there and listen to you call her a “white woman?” Can’t you see that the burning house analogy you used…

As a member of an overrepresented community, I physically cannot refrain from sharing my perspective. I’ve been paying enough attention to the national movement that started in Minneapolis – mainly because images of the latest racist murders committed by police are making it hard for me to find and like photos of my friends defying social distancing guidelines on their boats – to determine that I have an opinion on the situation that everyone needs to acknowledge: me and my friends and family would be a lot more comfortable if you just stuck to nonviolent protests (and also maybe didn’t…

I need to focus on being a good person again. That’s why I pulled you aside, while you were boiling some water for your green tea, to unload the weight of This Thing I Heard. You know Jason. You know I like Jason a lot. Hell, I’d do anything for him, but the guy’s a huge gossip. And you know I hate that kind of thing, but This Thing About Karen’s really weighing me down. I can see you’re in a rush; that’s why you’re not making eye contact (I get it, hot water and all – requires your full…