1. The gum graft surgery I got at age 20 wherein a periodontist cut a swath of gum tissue from the roof of my mouth and re-adhered it to the front of my lower gums to stop gum recession. I wore a bloody retainer for two weeks as I healed from the surgery known best to senior citizens, and somehow this was less painful than watching Miranda Hobbes explain How to Be an Antiracist to her black professor. 2. Getting my eyebrows microbladed at a salon I found on Groupon. “Salon” is actually, in hindsight, a generous word – this…
Author: Hannah Benson
Hannah Benson
Hannah Benson is a comedian, artist and recruiter based in New York City. She enjoys having strong opinions about things and getting validation in the form of a room of laughs. When not writing, Hannah enjoys greeting dogs (and not their owners) on the street, speaking about her vegan lifestyle and shaming those who don't do the same, making in-depth parodies of 'The Bachelor' and organizing every single piece of kitchenware multiple times a day. She has performed standup comedy for the past five years, has had sketches featured in the Portland and Austin Comedy Film Festivals and makes fun of people she meets on the daily.
Young woman travelling by train with tablet and headphones So, you’re a cheap loser who can’t afford a flight home from your first trip post-pandemic and have opted for a five-hour train ride instead. While getting from point A to point B was pretty difficult in the aftermath of 2020, it’s shot girl summer and young Americans are ready to travel. With the combined surge in summer vacations and loss of social distancing mandates, it’s harder and harder to secure an empty row on a train and no one in their right mind wants to forfeit their seat for snacks/drinks/emotional…
As President Joe Joe Beans (that’s his name, right?) continues to roll out vaccines all over the great plains of America, a lot of changes are being put in place. One of these is that mask mandates are being lifted basically everywhere (were they ever really a thing in some places? I’m told not), though some businesses still choose to enforce masks inside for the safety of customers. Many Americans are thrilled to toss out their mask collections for good, but quite a few of us female-identifying folks feel differently. Let’s go through the top reasons to keep masks around:…
1. Hello hot boyfriend! Please reply to this text in a timely manner so I don’t activate my old abandonment issues that are the remnants of my last shithead boyfriend who couldn’t answer a text if his life depended on it. Even if my text was asking him if he wanted me to pay him $500. I mean it. I literally texted him that as a test one time and he failed. Now I’m bitter as hell and doing so much legwork to try to hide that from you. Anyway, reply in thirty minutes or the spiral begins. 2. Hey…
“My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion Near, far, wherever you are (or aren’t) I believe that the heart does go on (except not yours, Jackson) Once more, you open the door (for that slut Jenny from Accounting) And you’re here in my heart (and there in her pants) And my heart will go on and on (to rant about it to my therapist for the third time this week) “No Tears Left to Cry” by Ariana Grande Ain’t got no tears in my body I ran out, but boy, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it…
So you’ve been on a few dates. So you carry the conversation most of the time. So he claims “liking beer” is a viable personality trait. So there are “no good guys” in your city and you aren’t much of a prize yourself. It’s not a death sentence – there’s a chance you can still turn this drab nobody into the kind of interesting boyfriend you can use as a conversation starter at the dinner celebrating your flawless sister’s new PhD next week with your hard-to-please parents. Here are some foolproof tips on how to make that transition. 1. Blow…
1. You text him asking if he wants to grab brunch on Saturday. He: a. Doesn’t reply for six hours; just goes completely silent and doesn’t answer your calls or emails. When he finally replies at 2 a.m., it’s with a text that reads, “idk babe I’m really swamped. Not this weekend.” b. Doesn’t reply, but does butt-dial you and leave a mostly silent voicemail. You can barely make out the words “incredible view” and “edge piece.” Is this a new sex position he’s trying with his mistress or technical talk about his newest jigsaw? You’ll surely ruminate on that…
Widespread scam and popular housewarming gift Homesick Candles has received negative reviews for releasing scents that don’t accurately portray the cities they claim to represent. They’ve chosen to pivot and address this with a new line of merchandise. In their new “real smell” launch, here are some of the top sellers for an honest candle that smells like the authentic New York City: 1. Sorry, I Don’t Carry Cash: The ripe odor of an unshowered homeless man passing you too closely on a moving subway car. Much like the actual scenario in which this happens, this candle will force you…
1. You call your mom to fill her in on your hard day at work. She: First asks you what you ate for breakfast that day and then launches into a lecture about the new corduroy skinny jeans your father has been sporting recently and how she’s genuinely embarrassed to be seen with him at the grocery store. Then, she asks insightful questions about your day and insists on sending a gallon-sized bag of frozen chocolate chip cookies she baked in 2017 in the mail to treat you. Immediately asks if your resentment towards your manager is, in any way…
1. $25 from your ex-boyfriend who broke your heart to someone by the name of GlitterBabyKatie with the memo “Thanks for the great night ;).” Note that GlitterBabyKatie’s photo is of her on a beach from behind and she appears to be topless, sporting an unavoidable tramp stamp. Your brain didn’t need this today. GlitterBabyKatie sounds like she knows how to provide for the guy who left you high and dry. 2. $75 for “grass” from the (nervous, uptight) dad of the family you used to babysit for all through high school to a person by the name of TheMan18243…