Dear Pisceans, Cancers and Scorpios, I think I speak for everyone else when I say I simply don’t understand why you’re so upset. I know it’s your first instinct in reading constructive criticism to dissociate or weep publicly, but I assure you that those reactions are not only uncalled for but simply obscene. No one wants to sit next to the girl crying Hurricane Katrina amounts of water damage into her sweetgreen salad on the subway at 11:30 on a Tuesday. Not to generalize you all (but totally to generalize), but I have never met a more sensitive group. When…
Author: Hannah Benson
Hannah Benson
Hannah Benson is a comedian, artist and recruiter based in New York City. She enjoys having strong opinions about things and getting validation in the form of a room of laughs. When not writing, Hannah enjoys greeting dogs (and not their owners) on the street, speaking about her vegan lifestyle and shaming those who don't do the same, making in-depth parodies of 'The Bachelor' and organizing every single piece of kitchenware multiple times a day. She has performed standup comedy for the past five years, has had sketches featured in the Portland and Austin Comedy Film Festivals and makes fun of people she meets on the daily.
1. Hey, me here – I’m lying! You should be worried. This is the second time you bailed on getting dinner in a month and I’m already low in terms of my social circle. You thought I was joking when I said I was considering downloading Bumble BFF. But here I go, walking the plank. Hope you’re happy, slut! 2. I didn’t pay $500 in fucking sorority dues for four years for you to ghost me on a trip to Chipotle I had to plan two full weeks in advance. You whispered to me in a dark, hot room over…
1. Are you Pennsylvania? Because I plan to turn you(r balls) blue. 2. Call me Four Seasons Total Landscaping, because you didn’t mean to pick me, but you’re the kind of guy who finishes what he started. 3. Did you commit voter fraud? Because that (gorgeous body) is illegal in all fifty states. 4. Feel free to call me Nevada poll workers, because I’ll make you wait for it. 5. Are you Georgia? Because you broke all-time highs when you came (out to vote). 6. Honey, you’re like a face mask – studies show you’re largely effective and know how…