I believed myself a kind person for offering seats, minding the position of my bag, and stepping out of the train and onto the platform for a few measly seconds so people might get on with their days a little quicker. But there you stood at rush hour on a packed subway car – immovable. You stood impervious no matter how many people struggled past; no matter how loudly I whispered “just move, asshole,” hoping my passive-aggressive plea would sear through you like a bolt of righteous lightning – that it would call your body suddenly to action! But you…
Author: Holly Amos
Holly Amos
Holly Amos is a poet and writer whose humor has appeared in Little Old Lady Comedy and Points in Case. You can find her at hollyamos.net and @amoshmarie.
1. Vegans live for the moral high ground Who needs a down comforter to keep you warm at night when you’re tightly wrapped in the belief that you’re better than everyone? 2. We hate fun “Why not so serious?” is the motto of the Cult of Seitan. And while we’re still confused about how they got Janelle Monáe to do a song with them, we’ll issue her a pardon as soon as she enrolls in Meatless Mondays. 3. We are genetically immune to the siren songs of cheese Moby is currently funding research to learn more about the “vegan gene”…
It’s been a rough couple of years for us, babe, and I want you to know that I don’t blame you – those other apocalypses are thrilling. Every time you think about them your heart races. You check constantly for status updates. And whenever you see an update, a new photo, a new study saying that apocalypse X might really become a big part of your life, you feel so alive! That feeling of panic as your own mortality becomes more and more palpable is electric! But your relationships with those other apocalypses can’t last. You know it. You’ve always…
Each workweek is the same: frustrating commutes, rigid schedules, maneuvering corporate ladders and glass ceilings. Not to mention the awkwardness that ensues when you attempt to open the door on a bathroom stall that’s already occupied. (Why did you blurt out “Ooops sorry!” instead of just walking away quietly?!?!) But the rat race isn’t going anywhere if you refuse to just marry for money, so embrace it. Be the rat. First, you need to think like a rat. What do you want? To survive. How do you survive? By leaving stashes of trail mix throughout the office so you feel…