Let’s get this out of the way right now: YES, I know I can predict the future using psychohistory and NO, I did not see this breakup coming. Oh, you’re real smug right now and all because there were one or two LITTLE things that I missed in this relationship. Let’s not forget, dear, I haven’t exactly been sitting on my hands. “Ol’ Hari Seldon foresaw the collapse of the Star Bridge, but not the collapse of his relationship.” Uh, yeah, the attack of the Empire’s capital on Trantor involved like, 1 billion people, and my relationship with you involved…
Author: Jacob Nuckolls
Jacob Nuckolls
Jacob Nuckolls is a comedy writer, cartoonist, and stand-up comedian in Minneapolis. He currently works as a staff writer for @TheGoodGodAbove on Twitter and he was a semifinalist for Acme Comedy's 2021 "Funniest Person" contest.
Can you tell which of these common scenarios refers to a sexual encounter, and which ones are referring to the hit Beatles documentary? See how you did at the bottom! Takes a while to get into it?Last-ditch effort to reignite the spark in the relationship?More talking than you expected?Yoko Ono shows up?Someone gives up right away?More productive after a location change?Nearly caused a breakup up three times since it started?Complaints that there is no rhythm?Nonsense words shouted in cockney accents?Unsatisfying until a black man drops in?Someone makes a noise complaint and the cops show up?Peter Sellers stops by?Receives mixed reviews…
Hi there. Don’t be alarmed. It’s just us, the humanoid lizard people living under the Earth’s crust. While we are beyond excited to see the planet heating up and human life going the way of the dodo, we are respectfully asking that you try and slow down climate change as we are not ready to become the planet’s dominant species just yet. Believe us, we are more eager than ever to rise from the Earth’s molten crust and start enslaving humanity, but we are just slightly behind schedule and you seem to be really on top of this whole ravaging-the-Earth…