Millions of people around the world enjoy marveling at athletes at the top of their game, giving peak performances in a variety of sports in the Winter Olympics. But most of us can never even dream of winning gold medals in events like ice skating, snowboarding, and curling (okay, maybe curling). What if there were Olympic events for the rest of us? Ordinary folks might then be able to take home the gold, silver, or bronze in things like avoiding taking out the trash or keeping one’s mouth shut in a variety of situations. So get ready to cheer on…
Author: Janine Annett
Janine Annett
Janine Annett has been published in The New York Times, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Weekly Humorist, Real Simple, and many other places. She lives just outside of New York City with her husband, son, and dog. Follow Janine on Twitter (@janineannett) or Facebook or check out her website, www.janineannett.com.
Disney recently announced that Frozen 2, the sequel to the hit animated film Frozen, will be released in 2019. But there’s another Frozen sequel to be made – one that occurs in the not-too-distant future, when the Kingdom of Arendelle has been affected by global warming. It’s called Frozen 3: Slightly Thawed. Frozen 3: Slightly Thawed opens with Princess Elsa of Arendelle discovering her cryokinetic powers have evolved. Now, her left hand turns objects to ice, while her right hand melts everything she touches. She’s wreaking havoc in the kingdom as she causes rapid cycling through extreme weather. One day it’s 90 degrees,…
(Note: Memo is written entirely in crayon) From: Donald Trump Subject: Implementation Status This memorandum serves as a reminder for all agencies that I am now in charge. That’s right, me. Not Barack Obama. ME. And believe me, I can very easily say “You’re fired.” First things first: I need all of you newbies to complete a background check and make sure you have your credentials issued. You’ll also be outfitted with a tracking device that measures your ratings. Yes, from now on you’ll all be subject to ratings. To this end, the Office of Homeland Absurdity has drafted a…