Dear American People, Local businesses and the American economy are going through a strenuous test during these new social distancing policies. Everyone is quick to remind the consumer to “shop local” so that small business owners can keep their doors open. But beware: Shopping local is going to be detrimental to our economy and there are some very disturbing consequences people need to think about before practicing this evil ideology. For example: Former Tyco CEO Dennis Kozlowski will have to dial back the budget for his wife’s upcoming 50th birthday and attach animatronic lions to chariots instead of real lions…
Author: Jonathan Motney
Jonathan Motney
Jonathan loves writing comedy and will continue to do so until he becomes unfunny due to fatherhood and/or old age. His pieces have been published on College Humor, The Higgs Weldon, and his parents' refrigerator.
It’s no secret that our society’s standards for what constitutes as “art” have been steadily declining. I had hoped we would rebound and recapture our eye for what’s good and what’s absolute trash, but when that stupid photograph of two mice fighting in a London Underground station won the People’s Choice Award for wildlife photography I knew it was time to abandon hope altogether. There’s so much wrong with that stupid photograph. First of all, the award is for wildlife photography. This “photographer” wasn’t even in the fucking wild! He was barely underground and totally protected from the elements. You…
Text: Just saw a weird Old Spice commercial. Translation: I saw a commercial that had a lot of screaming in it. Please explain your millennial culture to me? Text: Your father told me you had a good time this weekend. Translation: I had to hear updates about your life from the parent that didn’t have to throw up for nine straight months every time they smelled bacon. Text: Going to the lake with the girls. Should be fun! Translation: I’ll trade you one piece of information about my life for one piece about yours. Text: I saw a squirrel on…