Author: Joseph Thomas

Roger Moore – James Bond, Live and Let Die (1973) John Travolta – Danny Zuko, Grease (1978) Alan Rickman – Hans Gruber, Die Hard (1988) Ralph Fiennes – Amon Göth, Schindler’s List (1993) Ewan McGregor – Mark Renton, Trainspotting (1996) Mark Wahlberg – Dirk Diggler, Boogie Nights (1997) Zhang Ziyi – Jen Yu, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) Michael Clarke Duncan – John Coffey, The Green Mile (1999) Viggo Mortensen – Aragorn, The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001) Rachel McAdams – Regina George, Mean Girls (2004)

Historically low approval ratings Using children’s insurance as a bargaining chip Using racism advantageously A cameo in Home Alone 2 Multiple bankruptcies Not draining the swamp at all Actually making the swamp swampier Sexually, physically, and emotionally abusing Ivana Trump Insulting POWs Insulting Gold Star families Making fun of handicapped people Bad hair Golfing Inheriting millions of dollars from a parent and pretending they earned it Caging children Being a reality TV host and developing a stupid catchphrase Weird infatuation with a daughter Too many spray tans Rolling back Obama-era protections for Tennessee walking horses Collusion with a foreign government…

Dan “The Bell Jar” Schonhoff – Wide receiver, New York Giants Barry “Rabbit’s Cry” Anderson – Middle linebacker, New England Patriots Frank “Puny, Green, and Tart” Szydlowski – Punter, Cleveland Browns Louis “Oval Soul-Animals” Cramer – Cornerback, Pittsburgh Steelers Carlton “The Snowman on the Moor” McIntyre – Kicker, Houston Oilers Chester “The Dormant Seeds of Seasons” O’Bryan – Tight end, Miami Dolphins Terry “The Ravaged Face” Tompkins – Left guard, San Francisco 49ers Luke “The Pool in Which Images Should Be Grand and Classical” Massey – Running back, Washington Redskins Johnny “The Toad Guarding His Heart’s Droplet” Harrison – Running back, Baltimore Colts Tommy “Poppies in July” Cox – Fullback,…

Over the years, we have lost many great creatures to Paul Manafort’s desire for lavish clothing and other exotic belongings. Here, we remember those who are no longer with us: Tony (Python) – Jacket Al (Alligator) – Luggage Demetrius (Crocodile) – Belt and Shoes Lorelei (Gazelle) – Drapes Darcy (Chameleon) – Watch Band Brody (Dolphin) – Bottle Opener Ginger (Koala) House Shoes The Moore Sisters (Ducklings) – Earmuffs Petunia (Horse) – Horse-Hoof Paperweights Sam (Labradoodle) – Throw Pillows Tedford (Shark) – Tooth Necklace Koko (Gorilla) – Automobile Seat Covers Graham (Komodo Dragon) – Fancy Underwear Tre (Giraffe) – Propane Grill…

As I sit here on my sofa near the end of a life that was full and good, reflecting, I can’t help but think of the twists and turns I have taken throughout the years. I served in the Korean War, married my high school sweetheart and the love of my life, raised my family, and was a successful bread salesman for over forty years. I remember the first store I ever approached in the bread business. It was a small-town Piggly Wiggly, and the manager’s name was Buddy Hendricks, but everyone called him “Lucky” because of a fumble he…

1. Democrats 2. Republicans 3. Politicians 4. The Swamp 5. POWs 6. Disabled people 7. John McCain specifically  8. Hispanics 9. African Americans 10. Any other brown people I forgot 11. Muslims 12. Refugees 13. Muslim refugees 14. Hillary 15. Women 16. Other Clintons 17. Gold Star parents 18. Protesters (female and/or black) 19. NFL players 20. NFL owners 21. NFL refs 22. John McCain again 23. Bob Corker (?) 24. Gold Star spouses 25. The troops 26. Children 27. Dolphins 28. Marshmallows 29. The flag 30. Fun 31. Game night! 32. Soup kitchens 33. Beaches 34. The Unknown Soldier…

Hey Errybody! LOL! What’s up all my Facebook amigos? You doing good? You’re about to be doing better! I’m going to make this the best time of your life by offering you something that will make you forget every bad thing happening right now – even the life-threatening ones! How? I’m now a registered representative to sell all-natural diet pills, and I’m offering you a life-changing opportunity! These things are amazing. I’ve been on them for two weeks now, and I feel better than I’ve ever felt, and that includes any point as an adult, child, or baby! Plus, I’ve…

It was Valentine’s Day of my nineteenth year. I had admired her from afar for most of my life. I had fantasized long enough. Now was the time to act. Having taken a year off from school to clear my head, I knew that next Valentine’s Day I would be away at college—away from her. This was my one opportunity to show her how I truly felt. Her husband was away at work. His job took him a couple of towns over, and he never got home before 7:00 even on special days like anniversaries or birthdays or Valentine’s Day.…

Through some deep sources within President-elect Donald Trump’s transition team, we have uncovered a track list of rap/hip-hop songs re-recorded (“All tremendously legal,” we were assured) for Trump’s upcoming inauguration in January: 1. “F*ck Tha Police Because You Appreciate the Work They Do” – N.W.A. 2. “De-Regulate” – Warren G 3. “Flynn and Juice” – Snoop Dogg 4. “You’re Nobody, Tim Kaine” – Notorious B.I.G. 5. “We Love and Respect Deez Hoez More Than Anybody” – Outkast 6. “I See a Man Die Thanks to Obamacare” – Scarface 7. “Jesus Walks With The Donald” – Kanye West 8. “One Mic…

America is divided. The election is over, and people are fighting in the streets, at work, on social media, at home. Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama have all stepped forward to ask the American people to unite – to join together for the betterment of the country. The problem is that there is just so much hate and anger out there. It seems impossible at this point, so, to start small, we just need to find the things we can all hate together. Matthew McConaughey as a Product Spokesperson Just because you say it slowly doesn’t mean we’re…