My fellow Americans. It is good to see you again, as I am sure it is good for you to see me as well, despite my lack of skin, muscles, ligaments, hair, eyes, nose, ears and the like. In fact, there is nothing about me that could be used as an identifier, so… just trust me, I’m Thomas Jefferson, the main man, the Apostle of the Constitution, or whatever the hell I’m being called these days – Long Tom, Tommy Jeff, TJ. I really don’t care, as I don’t plan on staying. You may be wondering why I’m here. Well,…
Author: Josh Sippie
Josh Sippie
Josh Sippie combines all the best parts of a Midwesterner (i.e. adding phantom r’s where they don’t belong) and the best parts of a New Yorker (i.e. mastering the art of aggressive walking). He is a professional sports writer with a penchant for fiction. When not writing, he can be found wondering why he isn’t writing.
You feel the dread, don’t you? The doubt over your continued survival? You’re thinking of all the exotic diseases you will get from my greasy wooden soul. Leprosy? I can give you that. Walking pneumonia? Check. Infectious diarrhea? Don’t tempt me. I’m the fucking grim reaper, kemosabe. By the way, you know what the leading cause of amputations was in the Civil War? Not steel ball bearings or cannon fire or horse tramplings. The leading cause of amputations was splinters. Trust me, I did my research. Your body will grow over me, encasing me like a cozy cocoon from which…