Me: Hi, it’s July 1969 and we’re here in Karen’s bedroom. We were supposed to go to the beach, but it’s closed again. Karen: Bacteria. Me: So we started fooling around with the tape recorder Karen got last Hanukkah. First we sang some songs from Hair into it, and while we were dancing in slow-motion like hippies, we got a groovy idea. There’s so much heavy stuff going on in the world right now – the moon landing, the war, the parallel timeline on Dark Shadows where Barnabas goes back to 1897 to solve the mystery of Quentin’s ghost… Karen:…
Author: Joyce Millman
Joyce Millman
Joyce Millman is a San Francisco(-ish) TV, music and humor writer. Her work has been published in McSweeney's, the Village Voice, Salon, the New York Times, and more. Follow her on Twitter @joycemillman for existential despair and 'Seinfeld' references.
The Seattle Grunge Logo: Depressed hockey stick Colors: Earth-tone plaid Mascot: Googly-eyed Kurt Cobain The Seattle Java Junkies Logo: Fightin’ Cup O’ Joe Colors: Espresso, dark roast, mocha Mascot: Over-caffeinated Starbucks Mermaid The Seattle Purple Haze Logo: Jimi Hendrix setting fire to a hockey stick Colors: Shiny metallic purple armor, red so confident he flashes trophies of war and ribbons of euphoria Mascot: The Axis: Bold-as-love anthropomorphic tab of acid on skates The Seattle Twin Peaks Logo: The disturbing, hallucinatory images of a David Lynchian Pacific Northwest nightmare Colors: Over-saturated red, zig-zagged black and white, nuclear fallout ash Mascot: The…
I never considered myself a political animal. My philosophy has always been “all carnivoran mammals of the family Ursidae are created equal.” Is that a political statement? To me, that’s just how I was raised. But ever since the election…ugh. Don’t get me started. I still refuse to call Henry the Country Bear “President.” Puhleeze – a third-rate animatronic Magic Kingdom Jamboree host? It kills me that Mama Berenstain Bear could have been leader of the free bears, instead of this bigoted idiot and his stupid top hat. But all we heard from the media was, “Ooh, Mama Bear is…
1. Nooseweek Magazine 2. Cryin’ Chuck 3. The Washington Compost 4. Heavin’ Steven 5. Pimple Magazine 6. Commie Cleanser 7. Lyin’ Ted 8. Fryin’ Brian 9. Slime Magazine 10. Dr. Pooper 11. Fakebook 12. Barfin’ Marvin 13. Messquire Magazine 14. The New York Slimes 15. Low Energy Jeb 16. Planned Barrenhood 17. Kook-Aid Wacky Packages (1, 5, 6, 10, 13, 17) Garbage Pail Kids (4, 8, 12) Trump (2, 7, 15) Huckabee (3, 9, 11, 14, 16)