Remarks Expected during Revelries Wound Tighter than a Pre-Roll “Damned, This Year’s Easter Parade Took Long to Complete.” “Let’s Call Them Easter Lids Instead of Easter Bonnets.” “Can We Roll Weed with the Easter Lillies?” “Maybe It Was Anticipation of 4/20, but Good Friday Became Really Good,” “Did Easter Candy Baskets Induce Munchies When You Were Young?” “The Originator of Peanut Butter/Chocolate Easter Eggs Deserves Sainthood.” “This Gives New Meaning to Easter High Mass.” “Tie-dye Easter Dresses Have Become the Rage.” “‘Hippie Easter’ Should Replace ‘Happy Easter’ as Today’s Greeting.” “Waving Palms from Palm Sunday Still Evokes Giggles.” “It’s Only…
Author: Ken Hogarty
Ken Hogarty
Dr. Ken Hogarty, who lives in SF’s East Bay with his wife Sally, retired after a 46-year career as a high school teacher and principal. Since, he has had stories, essays, memoirs, and comedy pieces published in Underwood, Sport Literate, Under Review, Sequoia Speaks, Woman’s Way, Purpled Nails, the S.F. Chronicle, McQueen’s, Points in Case, Glossy News, The Satirist, and Good Old Days. His novel, Recruiting Blue Chip Prospects recently launched to good reviews. You can preview the novel or check out other works at Kenhogarty.net.
MORE GRIM TODAY THAN DIRE GERMANIC ORIGINALS TRUMPLESTILSKIN: Desperate to win favor, a sycophant convinces the King that his daughter can spin untruth into truth. With her life at stake, Lady Liberty gets offered a deal by a roguish gnome, expert at spinning untruth. The damsel promises him her first born for his help but reneges after the King marries her and she gives birth. She learns the only way to avoid that fate is to guess his name. A conservative courtier, who appreciates democracy more than culture wars, tells her his name’s Trumplestilskin. In a typical rage, Trumplestilskin tears…
Big League batters, even White Sox hitters, universally clamor for parity with the Bronx Bombers. Yankee Torpedo Bats, shaped like bowling pins, feature expanded sweet spots. Brainiacs have other novel bats in the works for situational hitting, a few of which might make you go batty: Nellie Fox Bottle Bat – Souping up old model George Brett Pine Tar Bat – Stickum part of wood grain Louisville Mugger – Useful against fielders when circling bases Wonderboy Bat – Naturally, for destroying scoreboards ICBM Bat — More explosive than a Torpedo Tennis Bat – For making contact Oar Bat – Also…
Blue State College Team Names — Changed to Shame The once and current President has villainized opponents by creating and repeating biting nicknames. Rocket Man, Crooked Hillary, Little Marco, Lyin’ Ted, Sleepy Joe Biden, Comrade Kamala, Governor Newscum, Crazy Nancy, Horseface, and Fake Tapper provide a sampling of his invectives. He clearly believes naming someone or something allows him to take power over them. In choosing former pro-wrestling executive Linda McMahon as his choice as Secretary of the Department of Education, Trump clearly picked a kindred spirit since staged wrestling thrives on villainous character nicknames. Stone Cold Steve Austin (Linda’s…
Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that this July’s All-Star Baseball Game will pit the Los Angeles Dodgers against the 29ers, an all-star team representing the 29 lesser major league teams. After a flurry of Dodger signings, re-signings, and acquisitions following last year’s World’s Series victory, bookmakers predict the L.A. team will win north of 100 games. Further, odds suggest they’re two-and-a-half times more likely than any other team to emerge victorious in the 2025 World Serious. Pundits claim SoCal’s New World Order potentially has collected the best pitching rotation in baseball history with their three Japanese starters…
Texas Attorney General: Since your state seems to enjoy executions (586 from 1977-2023, with Oklahoma a poor second with 123), please execute corporations listed below for crimes against humanity. Doing so affirms that you’re finally taking seriously 2010’s landmark Supreme Court “Citizens United” ruling granting corporations rights previously afforded individuals. American ideals hold that with rights come responsibilities and consequences. Below, please find individually appropriate ways to carry out death sentences from the countless execution methods humanity has employed historically. For objectivity, see also rebuttals said corporations might defensively offer. Death Row: Exxon Mobile – [BOILING TO DEATH] – Surprised…
Was Gonzo New Journalist Hunter S. Thompson, himself an expert on weird, today’s Nostradamus? Did his prophetic quotes foretell the fear and loathing that marks the Age of Trump? When the going gets tough, the weird turn pro. —– Wouldn’t Weirdo #1, maybe in drag with J.D. Vance and RFK, Jr., be perfect as the Weird Sisters in a professional performance of “MacBeth,” another power-mad conniver? We are living in dangerously weird times now. Smart people just shrug and admit they’re dazed and confused. The only ones left with any confidence at all are the New Dumb. —– Thompson hated Bush II…
Olympic French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati famously had trouble clearing the bar in hisevent because of his large package. While typical males might lack sympathy, here are other BIGproblems faced by those amongst us with BIG junk: When IT attracts every breed of sniffing dog at parks and playgroundsWhen the Starbucks barista who notices IT insists you need a Trenta cupWhen IT brushes against the homeless guy slumped next to you in a packed subway carWhen IT can’t be avoided while getting pat-downs by much-too-eager TSA personnelWhen IT causes you to stand out when facing sideways in a police lineupWhen…
Once, the iconic Mr. Rogers graciously welcomed newcomers to his neighborhood. Today, “Online Urban Mr. Rogers” requests your help providing welcoming advice for newcomers in your neighborhood by responding to the survey below. For each item, please indicate THE BEST ______ IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD: Public restroom for both long or short stops Places for your dog to poop when walked Dive bar for a shot and a beer, and a shot to see bigger losers than you Place to buy quirky but cool clothes for little money Basketball schoolyard for show-off wannabes rather than real ballers Place to do yoga…
Hope You Bet the Money-Line on the Mercenaries Blueblood University newcomer F. M. “Follow the Money” Freebooter led the Mercenaries to a second half comeback as they cashed in with a dramatic 83-82 win over his last team, the UCon Soldiers of Fortune in Blueblood’s DraftKings’s Pavilion on the school’s scenic campus. Freebooter, with crazed Mercenary partisans waving large denomination bills, the team’s new logo, banked in the winner from the right wing with two ticks on the clock. After the Soldiers failed getting up a final shot, Freebooter’s new teammates, some after introducing themselves, swarmed F.M. until celebrating fans…