Texas Attorney General: Since your state seems to enjoy executions (586 from 1977-2023, with Oklahoma a poor second with 123), please execute corporations listed below for crimes against humanity. Doing so affirms that you’re finally taking seriously 2010’s landmark Supreme Court “Citizens United” ruling granting corporations rights previously afforded individuals. American ideals hold that with rights come responsibilities and consequences. Below, please find individually appropriate ways to carry out death sentences from the countless execution methods humanity has employed historically. For objectivity, see also rebuttals said corporations might defensively offer. Death Row: Exxon Mobile – [BOILING TO DEATH] – Surprised…
Author: Ken Hogarty
Ken Hogarty
Dr. Ken Hogarty, who lives in SF’s East Bay with his wife Sally, retired after a 46-year career as a high school teacher and principal. Since, he has had stories, essays, memoirs, and comedy pieces published in Underwood, Sport Literate, Under Review, Sequoia Speaks, Woman’s Way, Purpled Nails, the S.F. Chronicle, McQueen’s, Points in Case, Glossy News, The Satirist, and Good Old Days. His novel, Recruiting Blue Chip Prospects recently launched to good reviews. You can preview the novel or check out other works at Kenhogarty.net.
Was Gonzo New Journalist Hunter S. Thompson, himself an expert on weird, today’s Nostradamus? Did his prophetic quotes foretell the fear and loathing that marks the Age of Trump? When the going gets tough, the weird turn pro. —– Wouldn’t Weirdo #1, maybe in drag with J.D. Vance and RFK, Jr., be perfect as the Weird Sisters in a professional performance of “MacBeth,” another power-mad conniver? We are living in dangerously weird times now. Smart people just shrug and admit they’re dazed and confused. The only ones left with any confidence at all are the New Dumb. —– Thompson hated Bush II…
Olympic French pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati famously had trouble clearing the bar in hisevent because of his large package. While typical males might lack sympathy, here are other BIGproblems faced by those amongst us with BIG junk: When IT attracts every breed of sniffing dog at parks and playgroundsWhen the Starbucks barista who notices IT insists you need a Trenta cupWhen IT brushes against the homeless guy slumped next to you in a packed subway carWhen IT can’t be avoided while getting pat-downs by much-too-eager TSA personnelWhen IT causes you to stand out when facing sideways in a police lineupWhen…
Once, the iconic Mr. Rogers graciously welcomed newcomers to his neighborhood. Today, “Online Urban Mr. Rogers” requests your help providing welcoming advice for newcomers in your neighborhood by responding to the survey below. For each item, please indicate THE BEST ______ IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD: Public restroom for both long or short stops Places for your dog to poop when walked Dive bar for a shot and a beer, and a shot to see bigger losers than you Place to buy quirky but cool clothes for little money Basketball schoolyard for show-off wannabes rather than real ballers Place to do yoga…
Hope You Bet the Money-Line on the Mercenaries Blueblood University newcomer F. M. “Follow the Money” Freebooter led the Mercenaries to a second half comeback as they cashed in with a dramatic 83-82 win over his last team, the UCon Soldiers of Fortune in Blueblood’s DraftKings’s Pavilion on the school’s scenic campus. Freebooter, with crazed Mercenary partisans waving large denomination bills, the team’s new logo, banked in the winner from the right wing with two ticks on the clock. After the Soldiers failed getting up a final shot, Freebooter’s new teammates, some after introducing themselves, swarmed F.M. until celebrating fans…
Son-of-Superstar’s Name, Image, Likeness Collector Offerings Purchase personal Son-of-Superstar (S-O-S), basketball related products from can’t miss future baller before he turns two. Choose from the following offerings (* Prices Set; + Prices Negotiated): S-O-S Clean Diaper Dandy Memento (Authenticated Worn; in Glass Fame Looking like Backboard) * S-O-S Dirty (Pee Pee) Diaper Dandy Memento (Preserved, Uncontaminated, in Glass Frame as Above) * S-O-S Dirty (Poo-Poo) Diaper Dandy Memento (Preserved, Uncontaminated, in Glass Frame as Above) * S-O-S Appearance (In Person; in Uniform like Dad’s; Until Nap Time) + S-O-S Appearance (On Zoom; in Uniform like Dad’s; Napping) + S-O-S Appearance…
More Contentious than Patriots’ Coach Belichick who He Replaced? Q: A real tough one, right Coach Will? Coughing it up at the end of an important game? CWS: We have seen better days. This is the winter of our discontent. Q: Did your stars let you down? CWS: The fault lies not in our stars. Q: What were you thinking with your bruising fullback out hurt when you neared the goal line on the last drive? CWS: A horse, a horse. My kingdom for a horse. Q: I’m sure you missed him, but your opposite number pulled trick plays out…
Sent 9/4/2023 To: Silicon Valley Techsters, Venturers, and Gazillionaires From: Your Friends at Burner Relief —————————————————————————— Everywhere you turn, do-gooders with righteous causes hit you up for money. Recently, you’ve been inundated by pleas to donate to Maui Relief (where many of us drink our Mai Tai’s), Hurricane Idalia Relief (where many of us support Disney over DeSantis), and Tropical Storm Hilary Relief (where many of us have our affiliated movie producing Mecca and see as our own SoCal playground). Despite the worthiness of those causes, this ask for Burner Relief should shoot to the top of your list. Why? …
Company, product, and slogan rebrands offer insight into what might reveal “the euphemistic soul orlack thereof” of brands impacting consumers. Twitter is now “X” (No signature or truth claim required?); Google is now “Alphabet” (Cyrillic for hackers?); Dunkin’ Donuts just “Dunkin’” (Drunken?); Weight Watchers “WW” (dropping a few?); Toys‘R’ Us “Geoffey’s Toy Box” (the giraffe ate the ‘R’?); Facebook “Meta” (is the hoopster formerly knownas Ron Artest CEO? Should we call it Meta World?); Smith and Wesson Brands “American OutdoorBrands” (their guns don’t kill indoors too?); and World Wrestling Federation “World WrestlingEntertainment” (of course it’s staged, though confusing WWF with…
Apparently, Economics Trumps Math, Geography, and Integrity. High school college counselor Frank Francis anticipates his initial school year meeting with senior Dickie Dweeb, a good bet to gain admission to “a plethora of top-notch colleges and universities,” maybe as many as that kid who had made the reputation of Frank’s departmental rival. An updated list of AP scores notes Dickie scored 5s in AP Human Geography and AP Precalculus, with a 4 earned previously in AP Macroeconomics. After a fumbled catch-up about summer, Dweeb shocks Francis: “You know, I’m a big-time college football fan.” Dickie’s follow-up sends Francis, veins popping…