Hey there, new neighbor, thanks for coming in. They call me “Ol’ Gus” and I run this here local hardware store with my wife Charlene. How are you? How is your family? Are they from around here? If they are, it sure would be nice if you sent them my best. And if you think of it, maybe send them in to buy some obscenely overpriced goods. You see, you might’ve heard about the plight of us small-time stores. Sure, we get “shop small” weekends and “small business Saturday” every few months, but these big-box home improvement stores and Amazon…
Author: Kevin Nye
Kevin Nye
Kevin Nye grew up near Cleveland, was educated at Ohio University and was re-educated by living in Chicago and doing improv and sketch comedy. He is a triple threat of mediocrity.
When we think of spring, we think of flowers, longer days, the sun peeking through the clouds, and of course, spring cleaning. None of the three other seasons have a hygienic activity attached to them, so right off the bat, spring is special. It’s extra special when you consider that you can clean your rental unit quickly because you’ll never own a house thanks to the recession of 2009, the lessons that nobody learned from it, and the multi-generational housing bubble running alongside stagnant wages for middle-class Americans. Lucky you! With that in mind, let’s sweep through some cleaning ideas…
The new year is in full swing, and you know what that means: People are straight-up getting pregnant out there. Winter is cold as F and there are only like half a million hours of shows on Netflix, so it’s the season of sex in large swaths of the United States. And with sex season officially upon us, we are only 7-9 months away from baby season! Look, it’s a modern world out there, so when it’s time to name your baby, reflect the times, okay? Tons of celebs have ruined tons of names in the past decade, and the…
You may be thinking to yourself, “Wow, this cold front, this ‘polar vortex’ is really crazy.” You may be thinking, “People are dying out there!” You may even be thinking, “What kind of loon intentionally lives in a place where this kind of thing happens?” I’m here to tell you, plain and simple, that it’s this kind of loon. It’s me. And I’ve said it before, so I’ll say it again: I just love living in a place with seasons, you know? Cold be damned! Sure, Florida is warm all the time and California doesn’t get much rain, but why…
After weighing the pros and cons of all the ways to secretly and irreversibly traumatize the children of my small community, I’ve decided that I will not be secretly poisoning the overwhelming majority of them this Halloween. Hear me out. It’s not that I don’t want to poison these kids – believe me, I do – it’s more about the act of poisoning them that I’ve begun to struggle with. In the old days, it was easy enough to get a nice, narrow, 31-gauge syringe, a couple of vials of arsenic, and a bag of Twix minis to get the…
When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation. These are powerful words. Some might feel like these words, which open the Declaration of Independence, are among the most important words in our nation’s history. I would be…
Space Jam is, by most accounts, a classic. It made $230 million at the box office against a budget of $80 million (a ton for 1996). It starred beloved actors from multiple generations – Bill Murray, Wayne Knight, and the Looney Tunes. It was popular enough that it still gets played on random Saturday afternoons on cable (in this case, VH1, right after White Men Can’t Jump, which is the best basketball movie of all time, and right before Boyz n the Hood, which has almost nothing in common with Space Jam). Michael Jordan was a super duper megastar in…
This post was originally published on Living a Dream. When the situation calls for it, I am a mature person. I can talk comfortably about reproductive health, I can watch a movie with a sex scene and not make a joke, and I can look at nude statues and think nothing of it beyond art. Hell, my senior yearbook quote was about how maturity is just knowing when and where to be immature. I won’t laugh when you fall down because you might be hurt and I absolutely do not laugh when an animal humps something because it’s instinct and…
Calvin and Hobbes is the stuff of legend. It’s widely viewed as one of the greatest comic strips of all time and the books (which are just collections of strips) have sold over 45 million copies. For comparison, the 58 Curious George books have sold 27 million copies in their history. In short, Calvin and Hobbes is beloved. But does it hold up? The strip was written between 1985 and 1995, at which point Bill Watterson decided he was done and would disappear from the public eye forever. It’s hard to blame him for not wanting to come back -…
It’s no secret that rap music is loaded with sexual innuendo. Some lyrics are more subtle than others; on the one hand you have Snoop Dogg and Akon singing “I wanna fuck you” and on the other end you have…well, I guess most rap is on that end of the spectrum. Even so, in 2008 Flo Rida emerged on the hip hop scene with a monster of a song called “Low.” It wasn’t over-the-top sexual, but it sure wasn’t appropriate for middle school dances, either. For example, he spoke of a woman’s backside as “birthday cakes” whereas Lil Wayne would’ve…