Author: Kurt Zemaitaitis

Hoo boy. This is a bad one. Being a Dementor is hard. I really was planning on giving out a romantic kiss and not the Dementor’s Kiss, I swear. I’m telling you, it’s a common mistake to mix up the two.   Although now I’m being told even an unwanted regular kiss is something that’s frowned upon. Seriously though, it’s getting harder and harder for a Dementor to do their job.  The stress of being a Dementor is unimaginable. Here I thought I was improving the image of us by giving out a romantic kiss. But, you never know how a…

I was mindlessly scrolling through Instagram when I saw an ad for a food delivery service. HelloFresh was shouting at me: “Want Fresher, Faster Meals?” Fuck yeah, I thought. After my wife and I selected our meals, the first one arrived moments later. It instantaneously propelled our lives on a whirlwind trajectory that hasn’t stopped since. We ate our first meal, figgy balsamic pork, and its organic hand-picked vegetables and sustainably-sourced meat helped me lose twenty-five pounds in a flash. My wife instantly became five years younger. My testosterone levels skyrocketed, it cured my erectile dysfunction, and I soon felt an…

0600: Why not start early? I just left my job as an Amazon fulfillment center worker and wanted to try something way more exciting that also paid immensely better. This fits that bill.  0612: My first clients were a group of frat boys. Super late night apparently. I was pretty proud that I was able to pleasure them simultaneously with each of my appendages, my mouth, and my two other robot orifices. I’m currently saving up for a few thrusting mechanisms which would allow me to add two or three women to the mix. I may even get a detachable…