Author: Laura Berlinsky-Schine

1. You took your birth control pill 15 minutes late and you’re worried you’re pregnant, even though you haven’t had sex in 11 months and 27 days. 2. You haven’t had sex in 11 months and 27 days. 3. You saw a guy on Hinge who looked vaguely familiar. You swiped right. Does he think you’re a stalker now? 4. You realize that the reason he looked familiar was because he’s your second cousin. 5. You matched with your second cousin on Hinge. 6. He asked you on a date, but you’ve been trying to take some time to work…

It’s time for publishers to revamp their lists and perhaps remove outdated titles like Our Bodies, Ourselves from their backlists. Here are some fun coffee table books for your lady guests to peruse while letting their husbands do the complicated things, like talking, at your next cocktail party: Foraging for Dummies: Leveraging Little-Known Household Remedies to Calm Your Hysteria Gaslight and More Romcoms for the Whole Family Who Should I Vote for?: And Other Probing Questions to Ask Your Husband A Woman’s Guide to Preventing Over-Education: How to Live by Matt Gaetz’s Fine Moral Compass When Women Were People: Teaching…

A new report finds that remembering that, at age 22, Anne Hathaway starred in a sequel to a movie about a young woman who discovers she’s secretly a princess will make you feel better about your own pathetic life. “I was feeling really fucking shitty about the fact that my boyfriend just dumped me because I lack life ambition,” said Michelle Ricardo. “But all of a sudden, it came to me: Anne Hathaway played the protagonist in not one but two terrible movies about finding out she’s the princess of a made-up land called Genovia.” “She has an Oscar now,”…

To the Venture Capital Firm Director: I am delighted to be writing to you in regard to my latest project, tentatively called The Sinless Shall Inherit the Skies. As a marketing director with more than two-and-a-half decades of experience, I’m thrilled to be venturing out on my own and following my dream of becoming a cult leader. You may be wondering: Why should we take a chance on an aspiring cult leader with no experience in cult management? This is where I believe my transferable skills will really shine. Over the course of my career in marketing, I have honed…

Cosmopolitan: You’re one of four people on Earth who a) actually enjoyed the Sex and the City reboot and b) calls it And Just Like That… Jagerbomb: You still wear Abercrombie & Fitch shirts and attend your fraternity reunions. Martini: You’re at your high school reunion and want your former classmates to think you use glasses at home, when really you don’t even have the time or patience for mixers like vermouth. Cranberry vodka: Happy 21st birthday!  Chardonnay: Happy 50th birthday!  Mimosa: You’re about to Instagram your very generic brunch selfie with five other blondes in sunglasses and crop tops.…

When I graduated college in 2010, my parents were so proud of me. I was proud of me, too. Why? Because what Ivy League computer science alum not only scores an entry-level software engineering gig at Google but also manages to live in a killer, rent-controlled one-bedroom with lots of sunlight, a backyard patio, and hardwood floors on the Upper West Side of New York City? Not only that, but this pad came furnished with a state-of-the-art flatscreen TV and a complimentary meal plan. And I didn’t have to pay a dime! The only downside was that our bedroom didn’t…

We’re so excited to have you onboard during these tumultuous times! This year’s internship program will look a little different from the ones in the past (and you thought you were just going to be getting us coffee and making photocopies LOL!). Instead of rote office work, you’ll now have a chance to really get in there and get your hands dirty (literally – look at item #3). Primary Responsibilities 1. Assist With Research Our office is locked in a debate about whether the Starbucks at Penn Station is of the same caliber as the Starbucks next door to our…

On May 15, 2019, I was elected president of the rising junior class at Roosevelt High School. Little did I know that my junior year would be brutally disrupted by a pandemic with far-reaching consequences, including the fact that I was seeking to implement casual Fridays and raise the hemlines of skirts to accommodate one-inch nails, so that when you press your palms to the sides of your legs it only has to reach the tips of your fingers and not the nail itself. In April, when classes went completely online, no one really seemed to care about the dress…

Daisy Buchanan 1. If you have a daughter, it’s okay to forget about her while your husband is having a physical affair and you’re having an emotional affair. 2. So your cousin seems oddly obsessed with your ex-boyfriend. Go with it. It’s probably nothing. 3. Moreover, if your ex-boyfriend manufactures a new identity and quadruples his wealth before buying a house that basically looks into yours, it’s a sign that he’s infatuated with you to a completely reasonable degree. 4. If you kill your husband’s mistress, said ex-boyfriend will cover for you, but you may also learn that he was…