By Ajaypal Singh Banga, MasterCard CEO On the first day of CES, we joined tech giants such as Amazon and Samsung on the main stage to make our revolutionary presentation. They were busy talking nonsense about AI, robotics, and 8Ks. Talk about clichés. Our Mastercard logo is now just two goddamn circles, and we’ve totally stolen the show with this announcement. That’s right! Maybe you need to see it to believe it but our logo DOESN’T SAY MASTERCARD ON IT ANYMORE! CES was obviously the best place to unveil this next step in our brand evolution. Why should no-word logos…
Author: Lindsay Ellis
Lindsay Ellis
Lindsay Ellis is a Toronto-based comedy writer, performer, and producer. Currently, she is writing a solo show and a new original series, along with general musings that appear on the interwebs. Lindsay has an MSc, an MBA, and recently got her Mrs. because she likes to collect letters around her name so she can humble brag about how smart and lovable she is.
When I first discovered this recipe, I had just had my tonsils out for a second time. I know you’re thinking it’s impossible but yes, they can grow back. Anyway, I was looking for something that wasn’t popsicles to soothe the pain. The first time I had my tonsils out as a child, it was all popsicles, all the time. You know how much sugar, food dyes and all-around nasties are in popsicles? No wonder so many kids have autism these days?!? Personally, I can’t even look at a popsicle anymore. I experimented and eventually created this recipe. Ever since…
This year’s Met Gala theme was “Heavenly Bodies: Fashion and the Catholic Imagination,” so what did your outfit do to your chances of one day getting into heaven? Veil You are a traditionalist who has a strong connection to the Virgin Mary. You appreciate the modesty that a veil can bring to any open-back slit dress. After all, a woman without a veil brings shame upon her head. It’s pretty much the same as having your head shaved. You might think that your modesty will be rewarded with a red carpet outside of St. Peter’s gate when you arrive, but…
Dear Humanity, I wanted to take this time to offer you my humblest apologies for not creating bulletproof children. It has been one of my most heinous oversights. In 1764, when the first school shooting happened at Enoch Brown in Pennsylvania, it was only the school master who was shot. The children were killed with melee weapons, you know, like spears and daggers. Perhaps it was at that point that I should have started to work on developing bulletproof children, but hindsight is always 20-20, as you know. Not that it is an excuse, but these types of features can…