Author: Marcia Kester Doyle

1. Make sure your bathroom cleaner contains bleach. After a week of sharing this small space with three other boys, your toilet is bound to look like a Petri dish experiment. 2. Learn to live on a tight budget. If your bud and beer expenses exceed your semester tuition, you’re doing it wrong. 3. Remember to eat something green every once in awhile. This does not include the mold growing on the cheesy pizza crust you tossed under your bunk bed three months ago. 4. Just because your roommates own Beemers and Mustangs doesn’t mean that you need to feel emasculated for driving…

1. Hunt for quarters in the couch cushions. While you’re there, you might find some potato chip crumbs and loose bits of granola to sustain you for a week. 2. Alphabetize the spice rack and color-code all the canned goods in the pantry. 3. Google “101 creative recipes for roadkill.” 4. Search the want ads and apply for EVERYTHING, regardless of your training… airline pilot, llama herder, septic tank cleaner… 5. Read the entire version of Milton’s Paradise Lost since you skipped it in high school, relying solely on CliffsNotes for your term paper. 6. Make ketchup your new vegetable, fruit, and meat. 7. Trim your…

Sonny Gardener: A competitive landscaper who thinks nothing of running the electric hedge trimmer at dawn on a Sunday to carve his shrubs into presidential head topiaries. He is also known to sever his foliage down to the root after listening to the latest alternative facts on Fox News. Sam Peterson: His property is the place where rusty carcasses of old cars and moldy freezers go to die in grass that hasn’t seen a mower since George H.W. was in office. No one complains though, since he’s fully prepared for Kim Jong-un’s retaliation with the only underground bunker on the…