Author: Mark Shady

CANOGA PARK – Looking around the room in utter disbelief he couldn’t catch the eye of another person who may have been thinking the same thing, area man, Chad Hester had reportedly been in shock during the introduction phase of the Overcoming Porn seminar he had signed up for this past weekend after noticing the female coach leading the workshop was insanely, like, jaw-droppingly hot. Glancing over the brochure a bit, Hester tried hard to maintain his composure as the woman who was supposed be his new mentor on a path to neutralizing his God-given urges and rewire his brain’s reward system, who was…

“This will fly farther and more accurately,” said area man Chad Hester to a friend as they perused the disc golf section at Mountain Hardware and Sporting Supplies Tuesday afternoon. “See the perforated edges? This will have, like, slice and backspin. You can’t get that with most of these.” Customers had confirmed that the two had spent a considerable amount of time looking at and closely examining the various frisbees and disc golf supplies with dubious precision. “43 minutes by my watch,” commented customer Steve Barek, who was trying on shoes with his two young boys. “And if I’m not mistaken, that…

Mentor, OH — According to sources and staff at St. Steaven’s Mercy Hospital, new parents Lyndsie and Jakub Daniels who just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl had decided this past Thursday to give her a common name either spelled weird, missing a key letter or including a superfluous or unnecessary letter because, like, fuck the rest of her life. Sources reported that the minute the young couple walked out the front doors with their gorgeous newborn the laughs and comments began flying. “Holy shit, what a couple of fucking assholes,” began their mid-wife, Stefany Cleary, ironically the first to speak…

Being witnessed by people after the last band had finished playing at a show near the fairgrounds, late Saturday night it was rumored that your stoner friend had just now reported that “society was just too dependent on technology” and that “we’re turning into a population of drones and robots. We really are.” As most of the crowd at Saturday’s outdoor show had dissipated, many audience members had collected near the parking lot area where a few had lit cigarettes, started impromptu “tailgate after-parties” and just generally gathered for an after-show hangout. It was there that some had heard parts…

Angrily shouting well within earshot of at least 3 Rebel Commanders, the rest of the Rebel fighters, and Princess Leia herself, Rebel fighter, Danek had loudly remarked that this was, “absolute fucking bullshit,” he was, “fed up with fighting on the front lines,” and would accept no position outside of, “gathered around the life-size computer with C-3PO, Leia and the Rebel bosses,” finally landing his rant with what every other Rebel had been thinking, “You know how fucking cold it is out there?!” The fleet of Rebel fighters could only watch helplessly as Danek, leaving his R2 unit strapped in…

Staring out their windows in disapproval at his unenthusiastic and just plain cavalier attitude, it was reported Monday morning by friends and neighbors of the Shusters, that their 3-year-old dickhead son is just not impressed at all and “actually pretty dismissive,” some stated, of the garbage truck which makes its rounds in their cul-de-sac every week before sunrise. “Not sure what’s up that kid’s ass,” remarked August and Eileen Shuster’s kitty-corner neighbor, Bill Arnold, “but he’s just a prick when it comes to getting excited about the garbage truck that loops around our street each week. Doesn’t run to the…

A recent study has determined that when either grocery shopping for the whole family or just picking up a few items at the drugstore, the fastest way to now pay is simply throwing your debit or credit card at the cashier when at the counter. “There seems to be a newer, faster, more effective way to pay which surfaces every few months,” began Susan Placer, consumer expert and sociology professor at Cornell University. “The swipe, the ‘tap’ the Apple Watch, etc. The throw or ‘toss’ as some consumers are dubbing it appears to be the new kid on block when…

ATLANTA, Ga. — Racing into the production bay with a panicked look on his face, sweaty, red-cheeked Food Network exec Scott Sheer screamed at the top of his lungs, “We need more cooking shows now, motherfuckers! The American public cannot get enough of them, and we’re gonna give those binge-watching media whores exactly what they want! Do you fucking people hear me?!” Sources say the spontaneous outburst came as quite a shock to the limited crew who was at the bay dock, unloading gear from the previous day’s shoot. Sheer, salivating from the mouth, quickly ran up to each crew member handing…

LOS ANGELES — A recent report surfaced which has confirmed that, in fact, the best SNL cast existed when you were between the ages of roughly 17 to 24 years old and in the most formative years of your life. The report comes as no surprise and was supposedly released by huge fans of the “old cast,” of which it was not stated which old cast was being referred to. The report further stated that, besides the cast, the writing was also the most clever, poignant, and topical when you were in your mid-to-late teens and through your mid-twenties, but before you…

In an unprecedentedly bold move, a group of Big Pharma execs pushed for the permanent inclusion of at least four more letters to be added to the alphabet in the interest of increasing their options when giving names to the constant addition of medications these companies keep producing. “What we’d like to see is at least a four-letter, possibly six at most, equal split of new consonants and vowels to be added to the existing 26-letter alphabet,” remarked Bayer CEO, Werner Baumann about the daring change involving anywhere from 15 to 20 leading pharmaceutical companies scattered throughout the U.S. “While…