Hey there, it’s your old friend AT&T. As you know, we’ve been in the telephone game for a long time. Maybe you’ve heard of our founder, Alexander Graham Bell? Yeah, we thought so. We were so amazing at one point the government was like, hey, you’re too amazing and it’s stopping others from being amazing, so we have to break you up. That’s how good at phones we were. Then one day, we thought, you know what’s a natural extension of phone service? Satellite television. Ooh, ooh, and you know what would go well with that? A premium cable channel…
Author: Matt Morea
Matt Morea
Matt’s plays and sketches have been performed across the United States. He currently writes for the Magnet Theater house sketch team Danger Noodle in New York City. His work has also appeared in McSweeney’s. His Twitter handle is @moreamatt.
We know this year’s turkey feast may not be like previous years. Maybe you’re not even sure how to celebrate. Maybe you’re all alone. That’s why we’re here with some tips on how to truly make this your saddest Thanksgiving ever! Instead of cooking a large meal you’d normally be enjoying with family and friends, just snack on a bag of raisins. No one has to know. Rather than marveling at the Thanksgiving Day Parade balloons, find something else in the sky to look at, like a bird or a dead tree. Take note of what you’re doing and sigh…
To be clear, your incessant hand washing has not gone unnoticed. You’ve been vigilant in keeping your hands clean, and you deserve recognition as a paradigm of good hygiene during these trying times. However, we know this good habit has taken its toll. The combination of washing your hands sixteen times an hour and applying hand sanitizer in between has resulted in the complete loss of all your hand skin. This is no cause for alarm. You can still live a happy, fulfilling life without hand skin. It might make you feel better to know there are many folks out there just…
In Holland, Santa is called Poppin Christmin and it’s believed he leaves raw meat in children’s shoes. Inflatable lawn balloons were invented to speed up neighborhood blight. Since Australia is in the Southern Hemisphere, Christmas is a celebration of Jesus’ death. Easter is his birthday. If you put every candy cane produced in the United States last year end to end, you’d have enough for a factoid! During the year, Mrs. Claus is actually the CEO of Proctor and Gamble. Rudolph’s red nose causes him severe anemia! Christmas was canceled in 1967 while Santa served in Vietnam. Hanukkah was introduced…
Hey there. I appear to be a talking snowman, and I just wanted to thank you for putting this magical top hat on my head and bringing me to life. Very nice of you. Now that I’m here, I’d like to get down to business and immediately start asking you whether or not you’re married. Seems like a totally not insane thing to do. So, are you married? Are you? Okay, maybe it is a little strange that I’m asking you this. After all, we haven’t even talked about a preliminary topic, like the weather or what it’s like having…
I’m sorry, honey. I screwed up. I should have told you I would be home late. I should have told you I was going drinking with the guys. Most of all, I should have told you I was having my arm replaced with a laser-guided proton ray. That’s on me. Please know that when the night started it wasn’t my intention to have my arm replaced with a laser-guided proton ray. I was just supposed to get a quick beer with Tom and Mitch after work. When they left I was about to call you and say that I was…