I make a decent living as an epidemiologist, but this year has been especially good to me. As many of you have probably learned from your uncle’s Facebook posts, I’m receiving a generous bonus courtesy of a clandestine international cabal, all in exchange for my role in the conspiracy that is the coronavirus. Here’s how I’ve been spending that money. First of all, I’ve had a lot of expenses to cover. Everyone thinks about all the money I must be making but no one considers the expenses. The thing about being a stooge for global conspiracists is that it’s a…
Author: Matthew Seely
Matthew Seely
Matthew Seely is a writer and performer based in Toronto. Matthew has performed improv with various troupes and has studied with the Second City's conservatory program, the Improv Embassy, and the Assembly.
It’s day 153 of the zombie apocalypse and honestly, at this point, I think we just need to learn to live with the zombies. Yes, the reanimated corpses of the undead are still roaming the streets, but I’m tired of staying inside. We’re just going to need to adapt to this new reality. Americans have been adapting to harsh conditions for centuries. In 1847, the Donner Party became trapped in the snowy Sierra Nevada mountain range. They didn’t give up. They adapted by resorting to cannibalism. Now, if the Donner Party could adapt to cannibalism, I think we should, at…
Dear Esteemed Members of the Board of Governors: It has been brought to my attention that the Board of Governors for the University of Ingolstadt has initiated a disciplinary review of yours truly, Victor Frankenstein. While I support academic integrity, it would be unwise and unfair for the Board to pursue such a review until I have solved the problem of the miserable monster upon whom I bestowed existence. Yes, it is true that I have spent the last few months assembling a creature out of human body parts that I removed from the dissecting room without the authorization of…