Author: Maury Levine

Contamination in a facility that manufactures baseball bats has led to some unusual medical side affects among Major League bat boys, according to the Journal of Unusual Medical Side Effects. The manufacturer, Big Woodie Unlimited, supplies bats to all Major League teams. Big Woodie reported that an infestation of defecating bats in their facility led to the accidental shipment of contaminated bats to MLB teams. After handling the contaminated bats, bat boys had the following symptoms: 40 percent have rashes on their hands, 30 percent suffer from eye irritation, and 30 percent are evolving into vampires. Stories of vampire-evolving bat…

In what the league is calling “an unfortunate and unlikely confluence of errors,” the NBA accidentally drafted Grammy winning saxophonist Boney James. NBA Director of Draft Processing Brian Stephens explained, “As this year’s draft was beginning, we also welcomed thirty new summer interns into our office. Due to the unusually high number of interns, some were placed at desks that were not originally designated for intern use. It appears that one intern, Joseph Stokes, was placed at a desk where the computer access was several levels higher than what would normally be allowed for interns.” NBA Director of Information Systems…

London, England – Following the conclusion of this year’s tournament, Wimbledon will convert four of it’s legendary tennis courts into pickleball courts. Blarney Damonson, Executive Director of Membership Recruitment for Wimbledon, explained, “Right. We’ve been doing some research on our membership here, and we discovered that the average age of our members is currently seventy seven years old. That’s almost bloody eighty years old!” Damonson continued, “So, we got a little problem here. Our older members – they’re kicking the bucket, right? They’re expiring every day. We had two keel over just yesterday. We need to find new activities to bring some…

Motivation. Hard work. Perseverance. Goal setting. Overcoming setbacks. These are some words I use when giving a high school graduation speech. Have I used these words before? Absolutely. I opened my speech at a high school in an unpopular southern state using those exact same words. I may have used them in a different order. Might have started with perseverance. Doesn’t matter. What state was it? I can’t legally say, but it rhymes with “Bill’s a hippie.” Tonight, young people wearing oversized gowns, tonight is about you. Look around this multi purpose facility that we’re gathered in. It’s really just…

1. You’re a grizzled old character. 2. You’re many times smarter than a normal human. 3. You have enhanced eyesight. 4. You’re known as a protector in certain cultures. 5. You secure acquittals for your clients. 6. You secure pacts with unseemly entities. 7. You seek knowledge that is often hidden. 8. You work in the dark arts. 9. You can direct a blast of energy at a target. 10. You can direct your folksy charm at a target.  Answer Key: Warlock: 3, 9 Matlock: 5, 10 Both: 1, 2, 4, 6, 7, 8

CBS has announced that the stars of the popular and jingle-infused Pepto Bismol commercials will join Usher for the Apple Music Super Bowl LVIII Halftime Show on February 11. In an interview with CBS Sports, Usher said, “For many years I suffered from nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, and diarrhea just before my performances. Thanks to Pepto Bismol, I take a spoonful before I step onto the stage, and I’m ready to put on a great show for my fans. Plus, that jingle is so damned catchy!’ Charlie Edwards, known as The Girl Wearing Pink Pants in the Pepto Bismol…

You’re the last person I suspected! That alibi you gave me really held up well in court! You smell like the zoo! You’ve made static cling chic! I didn’t think you could sing Mambo Number Five for twenty-four straight hours! Your gravy literally saved my life! I can’t believe you swallowed it whole! Your solution to that quantum physics equation is both groundbreaking and hilarious! I’ve never seen anyone spit that far! Your bruise is simply beautiful! You’ve somehow managed to combine woodworking, origami, and pickleball into a fantastic new hobby! Your writing has really improved!

Following the enormous continiued success of NFL RedZone, the NFL has announced several new viewing options that are sure to become fan favorites!  NFL RefZone: Now you can see every penality from every game called by your favorite NFL referees! Thrill as Bill Vinovich announces a holding call on Kansas City Chiefs offensive tackle Jawaan Taylor! You’ll cheer as Shawn Hochuli announces a pass interference call on Los Angeles Rams defensive back Derion Kendrick! Upgrade to NFL RefZone+ and you’ll also get an exclusive look at the replay officials as they watch replays and ignore the evidence that is so…

Taylor Swift changed a lyric to her song “Karma” at a recent concert, acknowledging her relationship with Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce. Kelce’s reaction to the change was so strong, Swift decided to rename the song and change all of the lyrics to reflect her feelings for him. The new song is currently the number-one pop song in the world.  Travis (Karma) Searching for a boy for the hell of it One with a moustache, big as an elephant One who can make a first down ‘Cause I care, he’ll be right there Making defenders miss running everywhere…

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