Author: Megan Schwartz

Hey government! It’s me, Megan K. Schwartz/Civilian 8FB4U5T7TI7T92Z. As it becomes increasingly likely that you’ll soon begin surveilling me via hacked cameras, smart devices, etc., I want to issue an explicit warning: If you spy on me, you will not like what you see. “Of course,” you’re thinking. “She’s worried we’ll witness her committing acts of treason.” Government, I urge you to listen when I express that acts of treason will be the least unsettling thing you witness. There will be your standard unpleasantness, sure. But the nose picking, reckless meatball sub eating, and repeated streams of Taylor Swift’s Lover…

Summer is upon us, a polychromatic explosion of life reviving our feebly aspirating, wilted souls. You know what that means – it’s time to rank this year’s top frogs! 5. Giant Waxy Monkey Tree Frog Source With its sun-blocking secretions, the giant waxy monkey tree frog seems to enjoy a simple existence as it sleeps for hours under the fiery Amazonian sun. But stare deeply into the eyes of this frog, and one thing becomes clear – this is a tormented beast. What’s behind our three-toed friend’s existential turmoil? The very secretion that protects our fifth-best frog from burning to…

Given the recent college admissions scandal and the public’s ferocious backlash against elite institutions of higher learning, I feel an imperative duty to pen a defense of the powerless and voiceless victims of this tragedy – Ivy League students from extremely wealthy families. As an Ivy grad myself, I’m overcome by a need to dispel the many false assertions being coughed up in the phlegm-covered tweets of an undereducated public. You see, wealth and elite education are undeniably linked, but not in the way you understand them to be. Allow me to explain. In January of 2017, a study surrounding…

Welcome to the Conceptual Cage Match, a column asking all the hard-hitting questions you never knew you had. Today, we determine who’s a bigger disappointment to poor kids: Santa Claus or the public school system. Santa Claus is an obese magician who invades houses to give toys to the children he deems “up to his standards.” While Santa has never confirmed the motivation behind his yearly break-ins, they, without fail, occur on the same date as rival magician Jesus Christ’s annual birthday bash. Coincidence? Or perhaps a long-running case of “thunder stealing” tying back to an ancient magicians’ rift? Historians…

Welcome to the Conceptual Cage Match, a column asking all the hard-hitting questions you never knew you had. Today, we ponder a pressing debate – Which famous duo would bring more to the table at your next threesome: Lewis and Clark or Bert and Ernie? Lewis and Clark were explorers, known by most for their 1804 expedition into the western United States and known by my dad as “a couple of pretty cool guys, Megan.” Now I know what you’re thinking: “Everyone already knows that Lewis and Clark would’ve been phenomenal threesome partners.” And yes, I agree this appears to be an…

Welcome to the Conceptual Cage Match, a column asking all the hard-hitting questions you never knew you had. Today we discover who was a worse father: Mufasa or God? Mufasa was an animated royal lion known for having a heart of gold, dreamy auburn locks, and not quite enough upper body strength. According to the expert opinions posted on mylionking.com, it’s estimated that Mufasa lived for about nine human years, or around twenty-one lion years (see Figure 1), before pulling a “Classic Mufasa” and being trampled to death by wildebeests in the gorge. He was the father of Simba, a…

Welcome to the Conceptual Cage Match, a column asking all the hard-hitting questions you never knew you had. Today we discover what makes more sense: Count Chocula or the things DJ Khaled is constantly yelling? Count Chocula: a clever play on Count Dracula, Count Chocula is a cartoon spokes-vampire for a chocolatey children’s breakfast cereal. Though Count Chocula’s backstory isn’t explicitly stated, we can safely infer that he’s something of a reformed bad boy. Chocula once lived a life shrouded in vampiric sin: seducing women, hypnotizing hostages, feverishly feasting on the blood of innocent townspeople. Now, like any good redemption…

Hooray! It’s finally time to ring in the new year! As you’re planning for 2018, now’s a great time to do some self-reflection; to get where you’re going, you need to know where you’re at. Take the quiz below to gain insight into your post-2017 emotional state, then use what you learn to set meaningful goals for the new year! (1) On a scale of 1-10, rate your anxiety regarding the following: Workplace interactions. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Family relationships. 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Everything you love being destroyed…

Congratulations! If you’re reading this, you finally hate yourself enough to lose the weight. That’s both the first and easiest step. But where do you go from here? With so many diets promising to transform your body into an Instagrammable fuck-shrine, it’s hard to know who to listen to. We wanted to help, so we gathered exclusive tips straight from the pioneers of modern dieting: Iron-deficient celebrities. Try out these four tricks and have everyone asking, “Should we, like, know the location of the nearest hospital?” 1) Drink Water This one’s simple enough. Academy Award-winning actress Nicole Kidman swears by the importance of…