Dear Phantom (of the Opera), Last week, a friend took me to see your play for the first time. I’ve spent the days since ceaselessly revisiting each moment in my head, attempting to make sense of it all. Alas, after hours of careful character deconstruction, I’m somehow infinitely more confused and concerned. Phantom, I feel I’m left with no option other than to simply ask: What’s with your “entire deal,” man? To start, you live in a candlelit, subterranean, opera house lair with Venetian-style canals. I’ve watched enough HGTV to know that indoor canals are extremely impractical. Rushing to the…
Author: Megan Schwartz
Megan Schwartz
Megan is an LA-based elastic enthusiast & comedy writer. Her passions include writing for pleasehiremegan.org and only half committing to eye contact.
Here you are again, at a complete loss for words. Perhaps you accidentally made eye contact with your rag-clad caddy. Or maybe you have to woo a jury of your peers’ subordinates while on trial for insider trading. Even for a down-to-earth tycoon like you, making relatable conversation can be a challenge when you have so little in common with commoners. But struggle no more! These relationship-building conversation starters will help you learn to earn 100% in your small talk with the 99%. Go ahead and give ‘em a try, big shot! 1. When you overhear your cleaning lady on the…
1. My butthole doesn’t discriminate 2. My butthole has what most would say is a flattering haircut 3. When my butthole bleeds, I’m not happy 4. My butthole isn’t an asshole 5. There’s at least potential for someone to enjoy having sex with my butthole 6. If Jesus met my butthole, he probably wouldn’t hate it 7. My butthole has yet to hold and/or defile a tiki torch 8. Donald Trump in no way stimulates my butthole 9. My butthole makes infinitely more valuable contributions to society