Author: Melanie Angel

I didn’t plan on hiring a personal press secretary, but when opportunity knocks, you take it. Opportunity knocked into me particularly hard on Friday, when Sean Spicer hit me in a Dunkin’ Donuts parking lot. He volunteered to serve as my personal press secretary for a while if I promised to keep the collision quiet. After all, he’s in between jobs, and apparently, it’s pretty expensive to insure a motorized podium. Anyway, why not? It’s a win-win: I get to fulfill my lifelong dream of having someone else do all of my talking, and Sean gets to fulfill his dream of…

Gooooooooood afteroooooon, Tropicana Field! Got plans for Earth Day? Join us back here on April 22 for our special Earth Day fan celebration! Come see your hometown Taaaaaampa Baaaaay Raaaaaays as we try to distract ourselves from the inevitable destruction of Earth as we know it. Watch your Rays take on the Houston Astros, but don’t leave after the sixth inning like usual! Stay for the post-game fireworks show, a prescient preview of the aaaaapocalyptic nightmare that awaits us. There’s nothing better than a good ol’ ballpark hot dog! That’s why we’re offering $1 hot dogs too! Eat as many…

Major League Baseball must make their games faster. The average game now lasts three hours, which deters fans and interferes with participation in the new American pastime: perpetual fear. This report aims to curb the bloat of MLB games, while still retaining all the action and excitement that makes baseball a game that overweight white guys can still play well into middle age. Although not all of these recommendations will be home runs (for maximum efficiency, please limit your laughter to three seconds), we feel confident that four out of ten will probably turn out okay. In efficiency, as in…

You don’t need a calendar to know what season it is when the leaves turn red, the air turns crisp, and your Facebook turns into a debate stage for pumpkin spice. Bolstered by its rich white fans, this orange sensation has loudly toppled apple pie, the smell as American as baseball and imperialism, as the dominant seasonal choice in the scented candle aisle. Sick of the chaos, a growing number of Americans are seeking alternatives to established autumnal aromas. Here are the bargain-bin candidates begging for a chance to mask your bathroom business: Autumn Leaves If you enjoy the blended…

You marched around your living room during the Parade of Nations, you cried along with Ryan Held, but after days of nonstop coverage, the fatigue is setting in. You’re having a hard time maintaining enthusiasm, but there’s still so much left! Golf! Sailing! Equestrian! Sure, a week is a long time to feign excitement about tiny men riding horses, but if the horses can do it, so can you! Use this handy guide to help you keep up the illusion of support. Team USA depends on it! 1. Blow Up Social Media! The most important way to show sincere solidarity…

Dinner will be served in five stages. Tomato Basil Soup A rustic starter made with American-grown tomatoes and fresh basil. Wine: 2010 Dinette Sauvignon Blanc Caesar Salad A traditional version of the salad that shares its name with a bombastic man in a bad haircut taken down by his fellow politicians. Wine: While many agree that white wine pairs best with this salad, a small but vocal minority insists otherwise. It would have been easy to compromise with a sensible rosé, but it has instead been decided to serve orange wine. Orange wine. Roasted Salmon on Asparagus A…